Parenting Reflections

Reducing the Stress of Parenting – 3rd wk

This week is about how special gestures called mudras can get us out of our “fight or flight” responses. Just holding certain hand positions can change how we feel.  These gestures have been used all over the world for many centuries. (Two were introduced in my January 28th blog.) The important thing is to actually try them.

Today’s mudra is one I just made up.  Someone asked me for a “heart friendly mudra” So I experimented with finger positions until I felt relaxed, loved and loving.  Here it is.

1. Weave your fingers together, palms facing down.
2. Connect your thumbs, pads touching,
3. Connect your little fingers, pads touching.
4. If you like, put your hands, palms down, on a table or desk. (This position opens the chest.)
5. Breathe slowly and deeply, from way down in your belly, for a few minutes.
6. Become aware of how you are feeling.

(When I practice this mudra, I feel deeply relaxed, as if I were being hugged.)
Remember, a relaxed parent is more resilient.  That’s why self-nurture is so important!

“How can I keep my anger under control?”  Parents often ask this question.  Here are some strategies.

1) Self-Talk.  When we’re upset, we usually trash either ourselves or our child.  “If only I could be more patient!” or “He never listens!”  Instead, think of a mantra that helps hold you on neutral ground, such as “Life’s really tough at 2.”

2) Feelings versus importance.  Ask yourself, “On a scale of 1-10, how upset am I?”  Given how hard it is to be a parent, the answer may often be 10!  Then ask yourself, “How important is this?”  The number is often smaller.  One mom taught her 8-year old to make this distinction, so maybe we can learn it too!

3) What’s under the anger?  Anger is a secondary emotion:  its covers up a more painful, hidden feeling.  Think of a time you were angry and look underneath.  What was the feeling just before the anger?  Common answers include discouraged, overwhelmed, tired, ignored and many more.  Report this feeling to your child.  Other people respond more constructively to our pain than to our anger.

4) Anger management contest.  Try this with a child who is 4 years or older.  Use checkers, pennies, etc. to keep track.  Have 3 containers—yours, your child’s, and a place for some extras if needed.  Both of you start with 10 tokens.  Children lose one for getting physical or name-calling.  Adults lose one for yelling or name calling.  (Adult limits are more strict because, hopefully, we have already learned not to hit.)  See who is ahead by the end of the day or week.  To some sensitive children an angry tone of voice (rather than teaching tone) feels like being yelled at.  Adults lose a point.

There are also the following basic yet important alternatives.

5) Mental space.  Count to 10 or take deep breaths.  Those with a meditation practice say it helps to spend regular time feeling peaceful.

6)  Physical space.  Go to your bedroom, bathroom or elsewhere.  Say, “I need some time out.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When we do lose it and yell, an apology is in order after we’ve calmed down.

What else helps you keep your anger in check?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

www.ParentingPress.com has a number of books to help children manage anger.

Yes. But not “yes” as in you show them today and they do it tomorrow. It is more of a process than a simple lesson.

Raveena had two young daughters — Nita, 28 months, who was physically quiet and Ayna, 4½, who enjoyed gymnastics. Mom wanted to teach them to take deep breaths to calm themselves. She sat the girls on the sofa and told them that whenever they were frustrated they could take deep breaths. She demonstrated what she meant. Ayna caught on quickly and Nita was clueless. 

Raveena reported to me that toddlers cannot learn to calm themselves. When she described what she has done, I could see the problem. Raveena “told” her girls rather than “taught” them. Since Ayna knew how to take deep breaths from gymnastics it was easy for her to understand. Nita had not heard about deep breaths and the whole discussion went over her head.

I explained to Raveena that people learn if they have context or hooks to hang the new information on. Since Nita did not have a context, she didn’t get it. Ravenna asked how to help Nita so I explained a five-step process and cautioned her that the process takes time — as in weeks and months, rather than hours or days.

How to introduce a self-calming strategy.

 1. Introduce the activity.  Present the activity as fun. Practice until the child is comfortable with the action. The child must be able to do an activity easily before he can use it to calm himself.

2. Link the activity to a change in feelings.  Model using the tool when you are irritated. When you’re done say, “I was feeling grumpy, then I took deep breaths [the activity] and now I feel calmer!” After modeling a couple of times, initiate the activity when the child is irritated or restless. When done, casually comment about how your child’s feelings have changed. “You were restless and now you are calmer.”

3. Practice using the tool when the child is calm. A child usually needs to practice a tool many times before he can use it for real. You can practice directly or indirectly. You could —

• “help” a storybook character by modeling what to do.
• practice a calming tool with puppet, stuffed animal, or Thomas the Train.
• ask the child to suggest the tool to you when you’re upset.
• re-enact a difficult situation and invite him to practice using the tool

Once your child can use the tool in pretend, you can suggest it in a real situation.

4. Prompt the child to use the tool. Create a “special signal” with your child to remind him to use the tool. Give the signal before he has totally “lost it.” Observe the results. If successful, praise him for success. If not, praise for effort. Continue until he has been successful several times.

5. Back out.  When your child can use the tool when prompted, it is time to back out. Otherwise your child will be dependent on you rather than himself.

About two months later Raveena called to share a success.

We have been working on taking breaths instead of hitting. Yesterday Nita was angry that Ayna would not let her have a toy. Nita raised her hand to hit then dropped it and blew three breaths toward Anya as though to blow her sister away. Not quite what I had in mind, and better than hitting.

Raveenna demonstrated again, that young children can learn self-calming tools.

What experience have you had teaching? Please share your experience as a comment and receive a free copy of 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools and a chance to win a copy of The Way I Feel. For more information, see the Opportunities Tab.

Elizabeth Crary
Author of STAR Parenting Tales and Tools
and Dealing with Disappointment

With all the choices, how do I decide what might work for my child?

You can begin by noticing what your child does to calm herself. If she hits, you might try a physical tool. If she yells, you might try an auditory/verbal tool. I can still remember when I learned about using a child’s natural approach.

One fall I was helping out in a pre-three preschool. One boy, Martin (about 2½), was very physical. When he was happy, he waved his arms. When he was mad or upset, he hit. The adults were always reminding him to “use your words.” This went on for a couple of months, until one day I saw him crouched and shaking his hand. I knelt down on his level and asked, “What-cha doing?” He continued shaking and answered, “Shake out mads.” What I realized in that moment was all our requests to use words probably added to his stress. However, he found a socially acceptable physical way to release his anger. I was in awe.

Sometimes it takes seeing things with new eyes to notice. At the end of class one day, Alison walked over to me holding her son Justin. While he stroked her long hair, she complained that Justin had no self-calming strategies. Sometimes it is difficult to identify a child’s calming technique, especially if it is different from yours. As I began to compose my response, I noticed Justin stroke her hair. I asked, “How often does he do that?” nodding toward Justin. Alison answered, “Oh, he only does that when he is upset.”

Watching kids play by themselves from place of curiosity, rather than judgment, can sometimes help you discover what is working for a child. This can be seen with Jessica’s experience with her daughter Laelee.

When Laelee was four-years-old, she was given to intense displays of feelings — both happiness and anger. The loud happiness didn’t bother me near as much as the loud anger. Over time I noticed Laelee was beginning to “mellow“ a bit – the tantrums were not as frequent or intense. Also, I noticed that once or twice a day I would see Laelee lie down on the floor and play “hot dog.” To do this she would tightly wrap a blanket around herself and lie on the floor like a hot dog in a puddle of sunshine. One day I asked her what she was doing. Laelee’s response: “I’m warming out grumps.”

Laelee had combined the self-nurturing quality of sitting in the sun, with the tactile quality of self-restraint (the blanket) to give herself a hug. Jessica shared that after a while, Laelee dropped the blanket and simply curled up in the sun like a cat. She had clearly found a self-soothing strategy that worked for her.

How does your child calm him- or herself? Please share your experience as a comment and receive a free copy of 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools and a chance to win a copy of The Way I Feel. For more information, see the Opportunities Tab.

Elizabeth Crary
Author of STAR Parenting Tales and Tools
and Dealing with Disappointment

Are there self-calming tools young children can us? Yes. Dozens!

Emotions are a form of energy. The energy can be comfortable or uncomfortable. When a child’s emotional cup gets full, it overflows and spills on whoever or whatever is nearby. This can happen when the child is jumping for joy, or striking out when upset. When the energy (feeling) is too strong, you can redirect it with self-soothing or self calming strategies. When you are looking for new strategies, it is sometimes helpful to ask yourself how else he or she can use the energy.

In the Qwik Book, 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools, I offer 24 strategies. These strategies are divided into six categories: physical, auditory/verbal, visual, creative, self-nurturing, and humor. The book offers four examples of each category.

• Physical tools use the energy in large active movements. For example, running, jumping and waving your arms.
• Auditory/verbal tools release the energy with sound – singing, listening to music, playing an instrument or self talk (“I can handle this,” or “this will pass”).
• Visual tools focus on calming images. The images can be created in your mind or seen around you.  For example, looking out the window, watching an aquarium, visiting a calm place in your mind.
• Creative tools take the frustrated, angry energy and use it to create something. It can be a Lego structure, beading a bracelet, drawing a picture, baking bread, or writing in a journal.
• Self-nurturing tools involve doing something you thoroughly enjoy. For example taking a bubble bath, eating a piece of chocolate, or ask for a hug.
• Humor tools turn the energy into amusement. You can watch a funny movie, read a joke book or exaggerating the situation to the point of silliness or absurd.

There are two kinds of self-soothing strategies — ATM tools (those you use At The Moment)  and maintenance strategies (that reduce background stress so you are better able to handle the crisis or drama.) Some approaches, of course, can do both. As you look at the ideas above consider which alternative might be ATM tools for you and which might be maintenance tools.

Elizabeth Crary
Author of STAR Parenting Tales and Tools
and Dealing with Disappointment

Note:  Share what calming tools work for your child as a comment and receive a free copy of the downloadable book 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools and a chance to win a copy of The Way I Feel. See the Opportunities Tab for directions.

Several years ago Jen came to me. She was very frustrated because her seven-year-old son Jacob was always complaining about one thing or another. He doesn’t seem to know how to be happy. She had prepared the perfect birthday party for him and he complained that his best friend wasn’t there and that it rained so they couldn’t play outside. She wanted to teach him that things can be fun even if they are not perfect – that he could choose happiness.

We talked about how she could teach this. A couple of weeks later Jen called. “We are making headway,” she said. “Let me tell you about it.”

Jen went on to explain that next she asked Jacob to think of what an optimist, pessimist, and realist might say in various conditions. She called the game “Viewpoints.”

She continued, yesterday when I dropped a stack of paper and boxes I was carrying to the car, I called to Jacob. “Quick – what are my viewpoints?” He thought a moment and said,

• Pessimist: Papers will get all wet and ruined. The wind will blow them away. You’ll never find them.
• Optimist: It’s a fine day – cloudy, no wind. Why hurry?
• Realist: Some paper is awfully near the puddle. Better get them picked up fast before the wind blows.

Since then, Jacob has been a little more thoughtful about his reactions. He still sees things from the dark side, but now he realizes that he has a choice. And, if I notice early enough and say, “Viewpoints” he can sometimes pull himself together. So we have mastered the vocabulary and application to other people part. We are now working on that he has a choice.

What a wonderful story of proactive parenting. Instead of lamenting her son’s complaints she figured out what might help him to change, taught it to him, and gave him time to work through it.

If you have a story of how you helped your child choose happiness, please share it, I would love to hear it.

I can clearly remember the day I learned who was responsible for children’s happiness. My husband and I got a babysitter for our nine-month-old daughter and took our 6-year-old son Kevin to a special museum display he wanted very much to see.
    The outing took five hours. And, except for one incident, we all had a grand time. As we drove up to our house, I asked my son how he liked the trip. I fully expected him to say he was delighted since he had both parents’ attention for more than five hours – doing something he wanted to do. However, he focused on the only five minutes in the trip that did not go exactly as he wished.
    It was then I realized that my son was responsible for his happiness. Although I could provide wonderful experiences, ultimately I could not make him happy – only he could do that. (Excerpt from Dealing with Disappointment)

Where did we get the idea that our job is to make kids happy? In my grandfather’s day the parent’s job was to provide security (food, clothing and shelter) and teach kids right from wrong. I’m sure parents back then wanted their children to be happy but it was not the intense all-consuming focus it is for some now.

Since it is not possible to “make” your children happy (as seen above), what can you do to make it possible for your children to choose happiness? You can begin by sorting out what is your responsibility and what is the child’s. These are my thoughts.

Parents’ role in children happiness —

• Model ways to deal with feelings appropriately,
• Teach your children the information and skills they need to choose happiness,
• Back out and let your children be responsible for their own feelings.
• Manage your distress so your kids can work on theirs.

Children’s role in happiness. The child’s role is to —

• Notice their own feelings,
• Learn the skills they need to manage their feelings and the situations they face
• Experiment to find what works for them,
• Be active in choosing happiness.

Helping children learn to deal with disappointment makes it easier for them to choose happiness. What are strategies you use to separate your feelings from those of your children? . . . your job from your child’s job?