“How can I keep my anger under control?” Parents often ask this question. Here are some strategies.
1) Self-Talk. When we’re upset, we usually trash either ourselves or our child. “If only I could be more patient!” or “He never listens!” Instead, think of a mantra that helps hold you on neutral ground, such as “Life’s really tough at 2.”
2) Feelings versus importance. Ask yourself, “On a scale of 1-10, how upset am I?” Given how hard it is to be a parent, the answer may often be 10! Then ask yourself, “How important is this?” The number is often smaller. One mom taught her 8-year old to make this distinction, so maybe we can learn it too!
3) What’s under the anger? Anger is a secondary emotion: its covers up a more painful, hidden feeling. Think of a time you were angry and look underneath. What was the feeling just before the anger? Common answers include discouraged, overwhelmed, tired, ignored and many more. Report this feeling to your child. Other people respond more constructively to our pain than to our anger.
4) Anger management contest. Try this with a child who is 4 years or older. Use checkers, pennies, etc. to keep track. Have 3 containers—yours, your child’s, and a place for some extras if needed. Both of you start with 10 tokens. Children lose one for getting physical or name-calling. Adults lose one for yelling or name calling. (Adult limits are more strict because, hopefully, we have already learned not to hit.) See who is ahead by the end of the day or week. To some sensitive children an angry tone of voice (rather than teaching tone) feels like being yelled at. Adults lose a point.
There are also the following basic yet important alternatives.
5) Mental space. Count to 10 or take deep breaths. Those with a meditation practice say it helps to spend regular time feeling peaceful.
6) Physical space. Go to your bedroom, bathroom or elsewhere. Say, “I need some time out. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When we do lose it and yell, an apology is in order after we’ve calmed down.
What else helps you keep your anger in check?
Helen F. Neville, BS, RN
www.ParentingPress.com has a number of books to help children manage anger.
Parenting Reflections 