Parenting Reflections

As a fledgling sixth grade student teacher, I soon learned part of my job was to make a final call in disputes.  When students were lined up for lunch or recess, every so often an obvious difference of opinion broke out, evidenced by pushing and shoving…or something worse.   As I would approach said disruption to see what was happening, I’d meet a sea of pointing fingers with accusatory words to match.  “He pushed me.”  “She looked at me.”  “I did not.”  “He called me a Dork!”  Unraveling competing blames got old really fast.

Frustrated by my insecurity about being fair to the parties, I developed the “I Want You to Know What I Know” speech, which I delivered on the first day of school, with deep sincerity and good humor, as follows:

“Here’s what I know about how the human body works.  Bones don’t move by themselves.  When arms, legs and mouths move, muscles do the moving of the bones to which they’re attached.  Further, muscles don’t move unless they receive a signal from nerves.  Nerves are the means by which the brain communicates with the muscles.  Some of the signals the brain sends work automatically, like keeping your heart going.   The other kind of signal the brain sends is a direct result of a decision the brain makes to send them, like when you want to pick up a pencil.  Brain says “Pick up pencil” and hand picks up the pencil.

“Therefore, please know what I know.  If your arm hits someone, your body merely responded to your brain’s decision to hit.  So here’s how it is.  On those rare occasions when I am compelled to respond to an argument or fight, I will listen only to the people actually involved.  You will report on your part only.  I will not be listening to any blaming of someone else.  Period.”

Funny how quickly students learned there was no benefit in escalating trouble by blaming somebody else because if disputing parties did not accept responsibility and show willingness to make amends, it became my job to adjudicate the dispute, and I assured them, should that be the case, no one would wind up happy!

At home, when children’s disagreements get ratcheted up in a control battle of some proportion, separation and retreat to different spaces for time to think about and own what each brought to the battle makes resolution possible.  Children can learn the process with a few rounds of practice facilitated (and modeled by an adult.  The process is:

1. Calm heightened feelings.
2. Bring the parties together and ask each to report his or her part in the dispute.
3. Each child can share an underlying dynamic that may be behind the scene, if they choose.  (Postpone and follow up later if it distracts from addressing the current problem.)
4. Provide the opportunity for expressions of how they plan to handle disputes in the future (in the interest of feeling better about themselves and the other).
5. Make a new agreement geared to prevent and/or address the next     conflict.
6. Make room for apologies.

By accepting that the conflict is probably about one child’s needs clashing with another’s, or where the children’s values differ, parties of good will can build trust and connection by accepting responsibility for their choices and making new agreements.  No blaming.  No excuse-making.  As a matter of fact, whenever blaming or excuse-making is heard, it is a signal that responsibility is being avoided!

SourceURL:file:///Users/conniedawson/Desktop/Ben’s%20story.doc

That’s not a good idea.

A friend was surprised and pleased by her two-and-a-half year old grandson’s way of handling no-saying.  I’ll call him Ben.  This Grandma sees the young fellow every four months or so and marvels at his changes between their visits.  Here’s what happened.

Ben was deeply involved in playing when his mother told him they’d be leaving soon to meet his other Grandma.

Ben’s response?  “No, no, no.  Not good idea,” he said waving his forefinger in a “better to stop and consider” way while scrunching his face and shaking his head side to side.  “Play, play, play.”

Mom squatted to his level, asked him to look at her, which he did, and said evenly, “We need to meet Grandma so we can go with her to buy a birthday present for Grandpa.  You can play more as soon we get home.”

Ben thought for a moment and up went his wagging forefinger again.  “That good idea,” said a smiling Ben.  A few minutes later, he left his playing behind and let his mother help get his jacket on.

This story struck me as a winning way to handle opposition during the time when children are beginning to resist having someone else doing their thinking for them.  As they should.

Mom signaled an upcoming transition.  She calmly met Ben’s first resistance with an explanation of what was going to happen and why they needed to leave.  She respected Ben’s desire to play and listened to what he had to say.  Because of their history, Ben knew that Mom would make the final decision, even if he didn’t think leaving his play was a good idea.

The best part is that Ben is learning the rudiments of what it takes to make decisions:

Knowing and expressing what he wants/needs, and

Evaluating and choosing, so long as he is given information

to consider. and

Thinking about how things might work out for him.

Ben also uses his technique to assess what other kids are doing.  The family was at a playground when Ben saw several kids pushing, yelling and hitting in a dispute over a soccer ball.  Ben’s comment?  He said to his parents in a sad tone, “That is not a good idea,” using, of course, the requisite head and finger moves.

It doesn’t take much imagination to know where this most effective strategy came from.  There’s a lot of deep learning embedded in it.  This Mom and Dad have apparently learned the great importance of stopping to consider how a choice does, or will, work out before engaging in it.

I’m sure there are those times when Ben’s mom or dad need to scoop him up because they’re not leaving him alone.  Even then, Ben has a choice.  “Would you like to go to the car under my power or under yours?”  Not a moment’s anger for the parents.  Just a calm and certain sense that they are the one in the room with the authority Ben can trust, even when he doesn’t like it.

Connie Dawson

After you’ve tried each of these  hand positions, become aware of how you feel. With practice, these gestures can help us in stressful parenting situations.

Emily Fuller Williams

“It was nice to think about the ‘underneath’ of what is happening with parents and kids”, was my teenage nephew’s response when asked about his thinking on the job of a parent.   He and his sister, also a teen, offered thoughtful suggestions about what it is that parents do.  Aside from the typical advice such as “chew with your mouth closed” their observations included:

Offering protection and support by:

• Listening first instead of making assumptions about a person or situation;
• Noticing when kids start to get involved in things that aren’t good for them, such as drugs and alcohol and taking action;
• Valuing each child for who he or she is;
• Noticing the positives and negatives of each child; (rather than comparing and focusing on one particular child);
• Taking the time to listen when kids have a “bad” day;
• Encouraging kids to do things;
• Expressing enthusiasm about what kids do and their accomplishments;
• Staying connected with kids and being aware of where kids are and what they are doing; (not micromanaging things that kids know how to do)

Teaching Important Skills, Values, and Life Lessons by:

• Demonstrating how to be a good person:
• Putting yourself in other people’s shoes;
• Following through when you say that you’ll do something;
• Being respectful to all people;
• Teaching the difference between right and wrong;
• Pointing out how to do things better the next time, when mistakes are made;
• Teaching how to cook, clean, do chores and take care of themselves;
• Using discipline when children need to learn important life lessons;

Teens experience expectations from many different sources; school, family, peers, jobs, and extracurricular activities to name a few.  In addition, there are the changes in their bodies, hormones, brain development, and feelings.  They need strong parents who will offer guidance, balance, and healthy rules to help them manage.   If you aren’t sure how to do this, or don’t believe you have laid groundwork earlier in your parenting; you can still make changes to move forward in a new direction.  To get started, pick out something that you will change that has a good chance of being successful, or choose that which is of the greatest concern to you, or something that you think will be fun to change.   If you aren’t getting the results as soon as you would like, give yourself and your teen time to adjust.  Both you and they are worth it.   Perhaps it’s good for parents and teens to take a step back, and look at the “underneath” of how parents give children what they need to become competent, and capable adults.

Sandy Keiser

The job of being a parent morphs, if we are lucky, into the job of being a grandparent.  Asked, “What is a grandparent?” one eight-year-old observed, “Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.”  Yes, the gift of time.  Many adults, when asked what they remember about their grandfather, say, “He took me fishing.”  Mostly that does not turn out to be about fish, but about time.  So, whether we live close enough to spend regular face-time, or whether we communicate with our grandchildren by phone, letters, email, Facebook, scrapbooks, or however, what are the gifts of our time?

 I think the most important gift is identity.  Each grandchild is one-fourth bone of my bone and gene of my gene.  I think she has the right to know who I am, the good and the not-so-good.  She also has the right to know about her ethnic, cultural and religious/spiritual heritage whether she chooses to embrace them or not.  Where she came from is part of who she is.

 I know my grandparents only from stories, so I have no bone knowledge of how to be a grandmother.  I think about it.  I learn by watching other grandparents, and I periodically ask each of my five granddaughters, “How am I doing?”  Usually they are reassuring, and sometimes they give me helpful tips.  “I especially like that you send us all an email every Monday morning.  It lets me know what’s going on with you and Grandpa.”  Or, “I really like when you tell a family story in the email.”  Or, “You’re doing okay.”

 Since I can’t be “doing okay” unless I know what I am supposed to be doing, I work on identifying my list of gifts.  At the moment my magic seven include:

1. Build identify – share the family ethnic, cultural, and religious/spiritual heritage, and the family stories
2. Boost self-confidence.  “I think you can do that.”
3. Offer reassurance.  “You’ll be able to do that better after you practice it.”
4. Make values come alive.  “Thanks for cleaning my jewelry drawer.  Family members help each other.”
5. Offer admonitions and expectations.  “Remember to do something kind for someone every day.”
6. Teach skills, depending on the needs and the interests of the child.  One granddaughter wants to learn to sew!  Hurray!
7. Engage in new experiences.  “Your parents focus on sports; you and I will go to a concert.”

 You may have lots more gifts.  Thinking about what you got or didn’t get but wanted from your grandparents, whether through face-time or stories, can help create a checklist of the gifts you want to give your grandchild.  Of course your gifts will vary with the conditions in which you live and with the special needs of each child and of yourself.

If you are willing to share some of your gifts on this blog, you may enrich all of us.

I’ll be blogging about overindulgent parenting in May.  You can see more about spoiling children and about me on www.overindulgence.info.

 Jean Illsley Clarke

author of How Much Is Enough?

A child’s interpretation of the world, and the relationships within, are often times expressed with greater insight and clarity than an adult might see.

Our question this month suggests you ask your child what a parent’s job is.  While the tasks are many, responses from blog participants acknowledged a similar response within each, “to take care of me”.

I think we would all agree the jobs of a parent are many, and at its core is the desire to nurture and care for our children.  Isn’t it wonderful to see children recognize this desire in us?

As you continue to ask your children about the jobs of a parent this month, encourage the conversation further by asking for additional information;

• How do parents care for children?
• What is your favorite meal shared with your parent?
• Where do you like to go with your parent in our neighborhood?

All of these questions will allow your child to think more about a parent’s job and allow you the chance to continue to learn from them.  Please share your child’s comments, and your thoughts about our topic, through the comments section of the Parenting Reflections blog so that others may learn from your child and you.

To start this blog I reflected on the events of the past year that might be interesting. My mind kept returning to a conversation I had with my six-year-old granddaughter last summer. She and her family were visiting. This particular evening, my husband and I were feeding the kids and putting them to bed, as their parents had a night out.

While we were eating, my granddaughter turned to me and asked, “Grandmommy, do you want to know what a parent’s job is?’ I wasn’t sure where she was going with the question so I replied cautiously, “Sure.”

She thought a minute or so and said, “A parent’s job is to keep kids safe, teach them what they need to know, and help them until they can do things themselves.”  

Wow. What a wonderful, clear statement.

Since then I have wondered what other kids’ thoughts might be. I have checked with several parents and their children’s answers were interesting. The answers varied with the child’s age and experience. Sometimes the answers were straight forward and sometimes they reflect family events.

I invite you to ask your child what a parent’s job is and share their responses with us as a comment.