Real-World Confidence and Responsibility

March 27, 2012

Our neighborhood has a small volunteer newspaper.  Copies are delivered to one house on each block.  Then someone distributes a copy to each porch of the block.  Recently, we needed to replace our block’s long-term delivery person.  As I prepared an e-mail request to fill the position, I suddenly wondered why I was looking for an adult.

Many of the things children used to do have been taken over by adults—delivering newspapers, helping in a small family business.  I remember, in 4th grade, going to an orchard to help my mother pick fruit for our family.  When I tried the same with my children, I was told the orchard couldn’t afford the risk of children on ladders.

Recently, I read a description of a coal mining town in England in the late 1800’s in which preteens regularly went to the company office to pick up their Dad’s weekly paycheck.  In the old days, children routinely milked the cows before breakfast and cared for multiple younger siblings.  Sometimes such responsibility was far too much and far too heavy.  But often, making a real contribution built children’s competence and confidence.

Today’s parents enlist children to care for their own rooms and help with family chores.  That’s all highly appropriate and educational.  However, it provides little sense of being valuable in the world at large.  As I understand it, an increasing number of high schools included community service in their curriculum.  But what about the earlier years?

I rewrote my e-mail, and am pleased to say that our upcoming deliveries will be handled by a sibling team, ages 9 and 7.  During the formative years how do you give or might you give, children the opportunity to experience their value in the community?

Helen F. Neville

Author of Temperament Tools, and

Is This a Phase? Child Development and Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years

and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

 

Leave a Comment » | Uncategorized | Permalink
Posted by helenfn

Parent Anger

March 20, 2012

“How can I keep my anger under control?”  Parents often ask this question.  Here are some strategies.

1) Self-Talk.  When we’re upset, we usually trash either ourselves or our child.  “If only I could be more patient!” or “He never listens!”  Instead, think of a mantra that helps hold you on neutral ground, such as “Life’s really tough at 2.”

2) Feelings versus importance.  Ask yourself, “On a scale of 1-10, how upset am I?”  Given how hard it is to be a parent, the answer may often be 10!  Then ask yourself, “How important is this?”  The number is often smaller.  One mom taught her 8-year old to make this distinction, so maybe we can learn it too!

3) What’s under the anger?  Anger is a secondary emotion:  its covers up a more painful, hidden feeling.  Think of a time you were angry and look underneath.  What was the feeling just before the anger?  Common answers include discouraged, overwhelmed, tired, ignored and many more.  Report this feeling to your child.  Other people respond more constructively to our pain than to our anger.

4) Anger management contest.  Try this with a child who is 4 years or older.  Use checkers, pennies, etc. to keep track.  Have 3 containers—yours, your child’s, and a place for some extras if needed.  Both of you start with 10 tokens.  Children lose one for getting physical or name-calling.  Adults lose one for yelling or name calling.  (Adult limits are more strict because, hopefully, we have already learned not to hit.)  See who is ahead by the end of the day or week.  To some sensitive children an angry tone of voice (rather than teaching tone) feels like being yelled at.  Adults lose a point.

There are also the following basic yet important alternatives.

5) Mental space.  Count to 10 or take deep breaths.  Those with a meditation practice say it helps to spend regular time feeling peaceful.

6)  Physical space.  Go to your bedroom, bathroom or elsewhere.  Say, “I need some time out.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When we do lose it and yell, an apology is in order after we’ve calmed down.

What else helps you keep your anger in check?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

www.ParentingPress.com has a number of books to help children manage anger.

 

Leave a Comment » | Feelings | Permalink
Posted by helenfn

Over-worked and Over-weight?

March 14, 2012

Last week I saw a report from Kaiser Permanente that the number of overweight people in the U.S. is increasing fastest in the 2-5 year-old population.  That got me thinking about how often in recent months I’ve heard reasons why children were doing something other than exercising.  I must admit, I got rather grouchy when I ran over the list in my mind.  I’d love to hear what you do to assure that your little ones get plenty of exercise.  (Eating appropriately is a different part of the topic that I’ll not address here.)

I talked to a distressed mother who had been arguing with her 4year-old about homework—yes, homework!  Her daughter resisted the required printing practice during preschool.  Her mother hoped to decrease the problem at preschool by having her daughter practice at home.  This issue really bothers me because of how often I hear about 4-year olds who don’t want to sit and copy letters.  They would rather bounce around and play.  Which would be better for their health at this age?

Early academics in only one reason why children exercise less.  A preschool teacher recently told me, “I can’t take the children outside on rainy days because parents complain that the children will catch cold even though they have rain gear.”  I thought we proved long ago that colds are caused by viruses not the weather.  In fact, keeping all those children crowded inside on rainy days exposes them more fully to the germs of others.  Confinement also raises stress levels which in turn lowers immune response.

Recently a mother reported, “It really bothers me that my 2 and 4 year old boys just want to run around the house.  Why can’t they play more quietly?”  Then there was a 5-year-old I heard squeal as her friend arrived on a play date: “I have a new video we can watch!”  Such opportunity for mobility and creativity wasted on a sedentary video….

Additional painful reports include, “We live in a small apartment with no yard.”  “It’s not safe to let my children play outside in front of our house.”

What do you do to assure your chidlren get the many hours of daily exercise that Mother Nature intended at this age?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

For more about development and appropriate academics, see

Is This a Phase? Child Development and Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years    http://www.ParentingPress.com

 

Leave a Comment » | General | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by helenfn

Two Types of Tantrums

March 7, 2012

When dealing with children’s upsets, it’s helpful to think of two different types of tantrums: manipulative and temperament related.

The classic manipulative tantrum is the toddler who screams for a cookie or the preschooler who demands a toy at the store.  We all know that giving in today assures another tantrum next time.  So we hold the line, repeatedly when necessary.

On the other hand, temperament tantrums (which some parents call “meltdowns”) are about a child in a state of overwhelm—too much stimulation, too many changes, too much time pressure and so forth.  I talked with a mother whose 3-year-old screamed and kicked every morning while she dressed him for preschool.

“Were there tantrums on the weekends too?” I asked.  “No,” she replied. “What was different?”  On school days he wore the cute little Levis his grandparents had given him for school.  On weekends he wore soft sweat pants.  To this sensitive little boy’s tender skin, the Levis felt stiff and scratchy and the snap poked his tummy.  His body rebelled.  What’s the solution?  “Give-in!”  Let him wear the clothes he is comfortable in so he has more energy to deal with the rest of his day.  Ask the grandparents to give sweat pants, not Levis.

Parents agree that tantrums are more likely when children are tired or hungry.  You’ve been out unusually late and arrive home just after bedtime.  Stressed by being tired, Melanie starts to cry and pull away as you head toward the bathroom to brush teeth.  It may now be better for everyone to skip tooth brushing this evening.  Sleep will likely come more quickly and smoothly without a fight in the bathroom.  (A few intense, routine-oriented children may then demand to skip tooth brushing the next night, the next, and the next.  So for some such children it’s not helpful to alter the standard plan.  For most youngsters, however, the readjustment is not a problem.)

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’re looking at a manipulative or temperament tantrum.  Today you pick up Jeremy after childcare, but you forgot to bring the usual crackers for a snack in the car.  Now Jeremy is tired, hungry, and insists on a piece of candy when you get home.  Do you give in?  No.  You offer a healthy snack instead.  If there is a full-blown tantrum, you chalk it up as another hard day.

Thus the general concept is to hold the line with manipulative tantrums each and every time.  For temperament tantrums, give some slack, and look for ways to avoid the next one.

Which types of tantrums have you seen recently?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

Author of Temperament Tools, and Is This a Phase, and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

 

Leave a Comment » | General | Permalink
Posted by helenfn