Another aspect of self-calming is whether your child is an extrovert or introvert. The most useful definition here is that extroverts generally restore emotional equilibrium by being with others. Introverts generally do so by being by themselves. Introverts may very much enjoy being around people, but being with people requires more emotional effort for them. Especially when in emotional distress, introverts may need time alone to calm down. The introvert/extrovert difference isn’t obvious at age 2 because 2’s rely on adults for emotional stability. However, maybe when 3, or especially at 4, one style or the other may become more obvious.
Is your child more of an extrovert or introvert? Are you more of an extrovert or introvert?
Parents tell me they feel badly when their 4-year-old (or older child) hides under a table or goes to their bedroom and slams the door when upset. Parents are accustomed to being present to help when children are in distress. These parents fear they have somehow let their child down. In fact, they may simply be watching an introvert who has discovered that time by oneself calms and restores.
Extroverts are more likely to keep arguing or talking to maintain connection until the problem is resolved. Unfortunately, brain research now tells us that when we are angry, there is less blood flow to the frontal cortex—the empathy and problem solving parts of the brain. When we are upset, we have less brain power to solve problems. Thus with extroverts, it may help to set up a signal ahead of time that you’ll silently sit or snuggle together to maintain connection physically while emotions settle.
There is another temperament piece to this puzzle. Those who are emotionally intense often need to feel someone understands their distress (especially the size of their distress) before they can calm down. So the intense extrovert may initially need to blow off some steam and feel understood. (We can agree that Justine is very upset that we won’t permit another video, without agreeing that another video is a good idea.) Then leave some space for emotions to settle before moving on to problem solving.
Upset feelings will likely be easier to manage if both parent and child are either introverts or extroverts. Then both are inclined to separate or stay connected. It’s more challenging with different styles. Families will do better if extroverted parents give a silent blessing as their upset introverts go off to calm down. And families will do better if introverted parents take a deep breath to stay on the scene and connected while young extroverts calm down. What have you noticed in your household regarding introverts, extroverts, and upset feelings?
Helen F. Neville
Author of Temperament Tools, and Is this a Phase,
and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com
Parenting Reflections 
The Temperament Tools add another layer of understanding the relationships between parents and their children. All of the traits have positive elements for family members to expand their ability to respond. I think that the examples Helen offers show that parents can support their child’s temperament style, as well as validating their ability to find ways to calm themselves. This is great information!
Thanks Helen for remarking that children need you to understand the size of their concern. That lets me know why, when I am very upset, I feel insulted when someone remarks, “I feel your pain,” and turns away. You remind me to wait and see if my son thinks I have really understood him.
A mom