With all the choices, how do I decide what might work for my child?
You can begin by noticing what your child does to calm herself. If she hits, you might try a physical tool. If she yells, you might try an auditory/verbal tool. I can still remember when I learned about using a child’s natural approach.
One fall I was helping out in a pre-three preschool. One boy, Martin (about 2½), was very physical. When he was happy, he waved his arms. When he was mad or upset, he hit. The adults were always reminding him to “use your words.” This went on for a couple of months, until one day I saw him crouched and shaking his hand. I knelt down on his level and asked, “What-cha doing?” He continued shaking and answered, “Shake out mads.” What I realized in that moment was all our requests to use words probably added to his stress. However, he found a socially acceptable physical way to release his anger. I was in awe.
Sometimes it takes seeing things with new eyes to notice. At the end of class one day, Alison walked over to me holding her son Justin. While he stroked her long hair, she complained that Justin had no self-calming strategies. Sometimes it is difficult to identify a child’s calming technique, especially if it is different from yours. As I began to compose my response, I noticed Justin stroke her hair. I asked, “How often does he do that?” nodding toward Justin. Alison answered, “Oh, he only does that when he is upset.”
Watching kids play by themselves from place of curiosity, rather than judgment, can sometimes help you discover what is working for a child. This can be seen with Jessica’s experience with her daughter Laelee.
When Laelee was four-years-old, she was given to intense displays of feelings — both happiness and anger. The loud happiness didn’t bother me near as much as the loud anger. Over time I noticed Laelee was beginning to “mellow“ a bit – the tantrums were not as frequent or intense. Also, I noticed that once or twice a day I would see Laelee lie down on the floor and play “hot dog.” To do this she would tightly wrap a blanket around herself and lie on the floor like a hot dog in a puddle of sunshine. One day I asked her what she was doing. Laelee’s response: “I’m warming out grumps.”
Laelee had combined the self-nurturing quality of sitting in the sun, with the tactile quality of self-restraint (the blanket) to give herself a hug. Jessica shared that after a while, Laelee dropped the blanket and simply curled up in the sun like a cat. She had clearly found a self-soothing strategy that worked for her.
How does your child calm him- or herself? Please share your experience as a comment and receive a free copy of 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools and a chance to win a copy of The Way I Feel. For more information, see the Opportunities Tab.
Elizabeth Crary
Author of STAR Parenting Tales and Tools
and Dealing with Disappointment
Parenting Reflections 
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