Parenting Reflections

After you’ve tried each of these  hand positions, become aware of how you feel. With practice, these gestures can help us in stressful parenting situations.

Emily Fuller Williams

“It was nice to think about the ‘underneath’ of what is happening with parents and kids”, was my teenage nephew’s response when asked about his thinking on the job of a parent.   He and his sister, also a teen, offered thoughtful suggestions about what it is that parents do.  Aside from the typical advice such as “chew with your mouth closed” their observations included:

Offering protection and support by:

• Listening first instead of making assumptions about a person or situation;
• Noticing when kids start to get involved in things that aren’t good for them, such as drugs and alcohol and taking action;
• Valuing each child for who he or she is;
• Noticing the positives and negatives of each child; (rather than comparing and focusing on one particular child);
• Taking the time to listen when kids have a “bad” day;
• Encouraging kids to do things;
• Expressing enthusiasm about what kids do and their accomplishments;
• Staying connected with kids and being aware of where kids are and what they are doing; (not micromanaging things that kids know how to do)

Teaching Important Skills, Values, and Life Lessons by:

• Demonstrating how to be a good person:
• Putting yourself in other people’s shoes;
• Following through when you say that you’ll do something;
• Being respectful to all people;
• Teaching the difference between right and wrong;
• Pointing out how to do things better the next time, when mistakes are made;
• Teaching how to cook, clean, do chores and take care of themselves;
• Using discipline when children need to learn important life lessons;

Teens experience expectations from many different sources; school, family, peers, jobs, and extracurricular activities to name a few.  In addition, there are the changes in their bodies, hormones, brain development, and feelings.  They need strong parents who will offer guidance, balance, and healthy rules to help them manage.   If you aren’t sure how to do this, or don’t believe you have laid groundwork earlier in your parenting; you can still make changes to move forward in a new direction.  To get started, pick out something that you will change that has a good chance of being successful, or choose that which is of the greatest concern to you, or something that you think will be fun to change.   If you aren’t getting the results as soon as you would like, give yourself and your teen time to adjust.  Both you and they are worth it.   Perhaps it’s good for parents and teens to take a step back, and look at the “underneath” of how parents give children what they need to become competent, and capable adults.

Sandy Keiser

The job of being a parent morphs, if we are lucky, into the job of being a grandparent.  Asked, “What is a grandparent?” one eight-year-old observed, “Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.”  Yes, the gift of time.  Many adults, when asked what they remember about their grandfather, say, “He took me fishing.”  Mostly that does not turn out to be about fish, but about time.  So, whether we live close enough to spend regular face-time, or whether we communicate with our grandchildren by phone, letters, email, Facebook, scrapbooks, or however, what are the gifts of our time?

 I think the most important gift is identity.  Each grandchild is one-fourth bone of my bone and gene of my gene.  I think she has the right to know who I am, the good and the not-so-good.  She also has the right to know about her ethnic, cultural and religious/spiritual heritage whether she chooses to embrace them or not.  Where she came from is part of who she is.

 I know my grandparents only from stories, so I have no bone knowledge of how to be a grandmother.  I think about it.  I learn by watching other grandparents, and I periodically ask each of my five granddaughters, “How am I doing?”  Usually they are reassuring, and sometimes they give me helpful tips.  “I especially like that you send us all an email every Monday morning.  It lets me know what’s going on with you and Grandpa.”  Or, “I really like when you tell a family story in the email.”  Or, “You’re doing okay.”

 Since I can’t be “doing okay” unless I know what I am supposed to be doing, I work on identifying my list of gifts.  At the moment my magic seven include:

1. Build identify – share the family ethnic, cultural, and religious/spiritual heritage, and the family stories
2. Boost self-confidence.  “I think you can do that.”
3. Offer reassurance.  “You’ll be able to do that better after you practice it.”
4. Make values come alive.  “Thanks for cleaning my jewelry drawer.  Family members help each other.”
5. Offer admonitions and expectations.  “Remember to do something kind for someone every day.”
6. Teach skills, depending on the needs and the interests of the child.  One granddaughter wants to learn to sew!  Hurray!
7. Engage in new experiences.  “Your parents focus on sports; you and I will go to a concert.”

 You may have lots more gifts.  Thinking about what you got or didn’t get but wanted from your grandparents, whether through face-time or stories, can help create a checklist of the gifts you want to give your grandchild.  Of course your gifts will vary with the conditions in which you live and with the special needs of each child and of yourself.

If you are willing to share some of your gifts on this blog, you may enrich all of us.

I’ll be blogging about overindulgent parenting in May.  You can see more about spoiling children and about me on www.overindulgence.info.

 Jean Illsley Clarke

author of How Much Is Enough?

A child’s interpretation of the world, and the relationships within, are often times expressed with greater insight and clarity than an adult might see.

Our question this month suggests you ask your child what a parent’s job is.  While the tasks are many, responses from blog participants acknowledged a similar response within each, “to take care of me”.

I think we would all agree the jobs of a parent are many, and at its core is the desire to nurture and care for our children.  Isn’t it wonderful to see children recognize this desire in us?

As you continue to ask your children about the jobs of a parent this month, encourage the conversation further by asking for additional information;

• How do parents care for children?
• What is your favorite meal shared with your parent?
• Where do you like to go with your parent in our neighborhood?

All of these questions will allow your child to think more about a parent’s job and allow you the chance to continue to learn from them.  Please share your child’s comments, and your thoughts about our topic, through the comments section of the Parenting Reflections blog so that others may learn from your child and you.

To start this blog I reflected on the events of the past year that might be interesting. My mind kept returning to a conversation I had with my six-year-old granddaughter last summer. She and her family were visiting. This particular evening, my husband and I were feeding the kids and putting them to bed, as their parents had a night out.

While we were eating, my granddaughter turned to me and asked, “Grandmommy, do you want to know what a parent’s job is?’ I wasn’t sure where she was going with the question so I replied cautiously, “Sure.”

She thought a minute or so and said, “A parent’s job is to keep kids safe, teach them what they need to know, and help them until they can do things themselves.”  

Wow. What a wonderful, clear statement.

Since then I have wondered what other kids’ thoughts might be. I have checked with several parents and their children’s answers were interesting. The answers varied with the child’s age and experience. Sometimes the answers were straight forward and sometimes they reflect family events.

I invite you to ask your child what a parent’s job is and share their responses with us as a comment.