Parenting Reflections

Family celebrations come around often – birthdays, graduations, holidays, coming of age, driver’s license, and more. These events can go by in a usual way or take you by surprise or you can give them a fresh and loving approach. Here are a few ideas to get you started thinking about some low cost, high impact options.

• First, be clear about the event or person you want to celebrate or appreciate.   What is your intention?
• Then, ask yourself at least 20 questions about your intention. Whether you are celebrating a milestone, an achievement, welcoming a new person, or any happening you don’t wish to let go by without pausing to reflect, you may be surprised how much you will learn.
• An interesting plan will emerge when you think through your intention with a focus on the meaning you’d like to bring forward.  Think outside the box.

Bobby was ready to get his driver’s license. This was a huge deal for both his parents and Bobby. His parents took the time to think about what it was they wanted Bobby to consider as he moved into the important role of driver. They came up with an idea to gather a group of close friends and family to share what it means to have the freedom and responsibility of a driver.

Sitting in a circle, each person was asked to speak about the most important thing they’d learned about driving.  Their stories were about their shock at learning about the cost of keeping up a car and paying for insurance.  One of Bobby’s uncles told a story of how he learned it was his job as a driver to be responsible for any law-breaking passengers.  Bobby’s cousin told a story about a near-miss because she was texting.

The air was filled with a mixture of laughter, surprise and a few tears.  Hearing the cautionary and instructive tales from someone other than his parents may have helped Bobby consider the experiences of people who cared about him as welcome advice.

Carrie, the mother of six and eight year old Halloween trick or treaters, didn’t like the candy race that seemed to be overtaking her children.  She gave some heavy thought to what troubled her and just how she’d like to switch out the celebration.  Dressing in costumes was fun and creative, so that could stay.

It was the emphasis on getting as much candy as possible that she wanted to change. She decided that each child could pick four houses they’d like to visit.  They all sat down and talked about the people they wanted to trick or treat.  Several neighbors made the list.  One family lived far out of the neighborhood.  One didn’t have any family living nearby.  One was in a retirement home.  The three of them made their list and Mom was cast in the role of driver.

The children got fewer treats but they also took the time to connect with special people.  They decided to try this plan for one year, and liked it so much, they make it a tradition.  Some years they had fun bringing Halloween treats to their friends!

It’s a good thing to take the time to mark all those moments that have meaning and pass so quickly.   When you know one is coming up, there needn’t be a big production involved.  A simple structure or idea that carries meaning is enough.  A candle, a symbol, some ribbon, a pile of stones that people place on a table while they say what they want to say.  The field is wide open for your creativity and good intentions.

cdawson

Empathy is innate.  We are programmed to be empathic.  Empathy is at the core of connection.  We are born to be connected.  Being connected is at the core of our survival.  Nature has it right!

You may have seen the picture of infant twins, lying on their stomachs, one having an arm across the back of the other, as if enfolding a buddy.  The weaker of the two was not doing so well and the stronger reached out to help.  Or at least, that’s what the nurses surmised.

Empathy is also learned.  A child who experiences empathic understanding and care knows what empathy feels like.  Responsive care, connecting words and warm behaviors are internalized by the infant and small child.  In this way, he learns to be empathic with himself and others, guided by his own body-knowledge of it.

A baby who is left at the doorstep of an overseas orphanage and who becomes one of 80 in the nursery where babies seldom cry is not in a position to have her innate empathy reinforced or to learn empathy.  At age eleven months, her heels are raw and she is unable to stand with help.  This baby learns that if she is to live, she her energy goes completely into surviving.  Courageous baby.  She lived.  But she can’t afford to let any love in or be empathic with herself or others.  One way or another, she is hard on herself and on the people and pets she lives with.  This baby didn’t have the chance to learn empathy.  When you have developed empathy, it’s hard to hurt another being.

Practicing empathy means striking the balance between “Oh, you poor, poor thing” and completely not noticing or actively ignoring another’s distress.

Empathy goes beyond “poor thing”.  When Kayla’s feelings have been ridiculed, an “I think I understand” or a compassionate “Will you tell me about it?” might be the empathic connection. Just reaching out to scoop a child in for a hug can be the way she knows you are open to hearing her feelings.  She needs to know you value her and are open to hear how a painful or embarrassing experience affected her.  She probably doesn’t want you to fix the situation; she probably does want you to understand her experience.

One of my parents’ most treasured gifts was teaching and modeling the notion of walking in another person’s shoes.  It is one of the ways they taught empathy.  We know that families, classrooms and societies are stronger where people are connected and treat one another with respect and dignity.

Never underestimate what children learn by watching.  As a first grader I noticed that if I smelled scalloped potatoes and ham as I came into the kitchen after school, I knew someone had died.  It was my mother’s first response to those she knew were in grief.  She made potatoes and ham and delivered them to the grieving family as soon as they were out of the oven.  This way of reaching out in our small community was a familiar ritual.  To this kid, it made the whole town feel more loving and connected.

At those times when we adults are distressed, it can be hard to pull up our empathy for others because we are so in need of it ourselves.  What to do?  First off, acknowledge our distress or feelings if beubg flat out of empathic steam.  Then reach out to tell someone else who knows us well and cares about us.  Ask for what we need.  At the very least, take a few deep breaths while you think about our options for self-care.  We don’t ever outgrow our need for empathy

cdawson 

WHAT’S IN THE STORY?

Although we want to show respect to our children and interest in their lives by listening to their stories, there are those who go on and on and on.  Running out of time to listen can be a problem!

The story-tellers may begin with a report of an important experience or event.  Or they may begin with a seemingly random account of a situation.  Or they may be expressing anger, sadness or frustration.  Whatever story they have to tell, hey want to be heard and acknowledged.

If the point of the story is sometimes hard to find, how do you help the story-teller get to it?  Counselors have the same problem.  Their job is to listen and make sense of what the client is directly or indirectly saying in order to meet the client’s needs.  Here’s one way to listen for both content and concern.  It’s the tracking device known as “What?  So What?  Now What?”  This is the idea:

The WHAT is listening for what happened that triggered a strong reaction.

“Kevin brought his pet snake to school today and he put a real, live mouse in the snake’s cage and the snake ate it.”              Possible Response:  ask for more details about the snake and Kevin’s reaction to the situation.

Nest, the SO WHAT is about how what happened impacted the story-teller.  What meaning does she make of what happened? Asking for more information and  encouraging the expression of feelings is a great way to help children report how the situation impacted her.

“ Were you feeling excited?”            Possible Response:  “No, I was very surprised  and I was scared when the snake ate the mouse.”

The NOW WHAT part is a chance to ask the child to think about what they might learn from the circumstance/incident.

“Do you think Kevin takes good care of the snake?”

“If that happens again, what would you want to do?”

Feelings give us valuable information.  Listening for feelings is what can take a child (or adult) from merely reporting an incident to highlighting the meaning of the incident to the one who experienced it.

Sadness signals that something is changing, that we’re experiencing a loss and life has an empty place now, at least for awhile. Take account of grieving.

Fear tells us that something or someone in our environment is not safe and we would do well to take measures to get to a safer place.

Feeling anger says there’s a problem to solve.  We may have been discounted, taken advantage of, ridiculed, or deceived.  Anger says:  Recognize the problem and take action that moves toward solving it.

Feeling joy signals that we should be doing more of what is joyful and being with others with whom we experience joy.  Joy can signal we’re taking good care of ourselves or allowing others to take good care of us.  Joy nourishes the soul.

That’s the Stuff of listening to the stories of children.  Adults too, for that matter.  What?  So what?  Now what?

C. Dawson

August 1, 2012

Parents often mention, usually with some frustration, how they have certain beliefs about raising their child, and the partner(s) they are parenting with is coming from a very different place.   This happens in families, with other family caregivers, and is oftentimes present when there has been a divorce.  Conflicts about how to raise children is a primary place where couples have disagreements.   Using values to confront the problem can be helpful.

Think about how and why the value you hold is important to you.  Where and how did you learn it? Is it still working for you in a positive way?  Focus on how your value may be useful to your child now and moving forward into adulthood.  Sometimes we have expectations without really choosing them.  An example might be when someone says “That’s how I was raised, so that’s how I will raise my child”.  The key is whether or not we have examined all that statement entails, and have made a choice, or if we are just following along with what our parents did and expecting that will work.

We tend to believe at some level that the way we were raised is the best and only way to raise children, even if we have some doubts about that.  If we think about the process of living in a family, it is the place where we are nurtured, cared for, learn about life, how to get along with others, etc.  Since that is the reality that we know, and we were dependent on the grown-ups who raised us in order to survive, we see their actions as being the “right and only” way and defend them.   Examining and choosing how we parent involves courage, being aware, and taking an honest look at our own upbringing.  It also means knowing that as leaders of our own families, we can create a place where the language, rules, and actions fit with our values.  This is what Dr. William Doherty identifies as “parenting with intent”.

Confronting another parent about how they do things, may be a challenge, given the strength of the emotional ties to the behavior and values that they hold.   Below are some thoughts about how to talk with someone about their values:

• Realize that they came by their values through their family.  Changing their behavior may be seen or experienced as betraying their family of origin.
• Own where you are coming from without criticism.   “When we argue about how to raise the children, I am uncomfortable about the message we are giving them.  Let’s talk about what we both want for them and see what we can agree on.”
• Suggest having a meeting when both people are open to having a discussion without blaming the other person.
• Set a time limit.
• Pick a value that you both agree on and talk about ways to teach that value, both through daily experiences and examples.
• Listen and hear what each other has to say.
• Look for places where you have some common ground and build on that.
• Validate the other person for their willingness to talk, listen, and consider alternatives.  Sometimes that is an important first step.
• Realize that both people need to change.
• Support each other in the changes that you are making.

If you find that your values are in conflict with the person with whom you are parenting, choose one of the ideas above, or one of your own, and work together to create the values that you desire for your children.  You deserve to be competent and successful parents!

Sandy Keiser, LISW-S, CFLE

Catholic Charities SouthWestern Ohio

July 25, 2012

The values you have chosen to guide your children will be a road map for how you make day to day choices about your interactions and parenting decisions.  Once you have named the value, it is important to decide what they mean to you and what they look like behaviorally.

In my parenting classes, oftentimes parents identify the value of respect.  Let’s look at some of the ways people may define respect.

• Speaking in a normal tone of voice (no criticism, name calling, sarcasm, anger)
• Make eye contact ( no eye rolling, walking away) when speaking or listening to an adult
• Being polite by saying “Yes Ma’am” or “No sir”
• Listening
• Being obedient and doing what you are told
• Don’t question authority
• Learning how to disagree appropriately
• Thinking about what to say or do before acting

The list could go on and on and I invite you to think about what pieces you would select or add.   Note that in considering this list, some of the items may be in conflict with other values that you might like to promote.  For example, you may want your child to also learn to express feelings appropriately, so how does this fit with the expectation that s/he talk in a normal tone of voice in order to be respectful?

Go back and look at the list and think about each of the items and how they might work out and be useful for an adult.  Considering the long range effects is often helpful in determining what and how we think about teaching the value.  Remember, that we are not born having the values and the skills to act upon them.  They need to be taught carefully and intentionally.

If being respectful is a value that we want to teach, perhaps it means looking at how we show respect for ourselves, other adults and children.   I believe that when we interact with others, we are always teaching something, whether verbally, non-verbally, physically, emotionally, or through voice tones, etc.    How we present ourselves reflects values that we have about ourselves, other people, and the world.   I think that it makes sense to be intentional about our words and actions, so that we communicate the values we want to share with others.  Let’s look at how we might teach respect to children.

• Be respectful of children when we interact with them;
• Pay attention to their level of development and decide if we are expecting too much or too little of them;
• Encourage children to do what they are capable of doing by themselves, even though it may not be done perfectly;
• Validate their abilities, being clear about what they have done; “I appreciate that you put your toys away before going outside.”  “Thank you for bringing the car home with a full tank of gas.”
• Help them to problem solve in anticipation of a situation as well as afterwards; “What might you say or do when your friends laugh at Jeremy when he makes a mistake?”  Spend time listening to the response.  “How do you think that might work out?”
• Name respect when you see or hear it in real life experiences, or in the media.
• Comment about a specific behavior that your child has done that demonstrates respect.   “I know that you were really angry with your sister for ruining your shirt.  I like how you held her accountable for her action, without putting her down.  That was very respectful.”
• Think of some other ways you might teach respect (for self, property, or others)
• Be gentle with yourself as you experiment with new ways to share the gift of your values.

You can use the suggestions listed as a model for teaching other values.  Think about how you might do this.

Sandy Keiser, LISW-S, CFLE

Catholic Charities SouthWestern Ohio

Teaching Mudras to Children

When parents discover that mudras do indeed reduce their stress, often they want to teach them to their children. This works well if one does it in steps.

1. Just teach the gesture, by itself.
2. Explain the purpose of the gesture to your child, and have them practice it “in pretend.”
3. Model using the gesture yourself.
4. Suggest your child use the gesture at a time when they really need it.

Let’s use the mudra Cheerfulness as an  example.
To do it, you put your hands on either side of your navel, palms up, fingers facing each other. With each hand, make a fist with your thumb inside.
Breathe deeply and slowly for 3 minutes.

To teach it, first, just have them do the gesture.
You could say, “Let’s put the baby in the baby carriage.”
Then, you wrap your fingers around the thumb. You can make a game of it!

Next, you could read a story to your child where someone is sad. You could say, “I bet this gesture, for cheerfulness would make the person in the story not be so sad.  Let’s teach it to her!”
You both practice the gesture together, pretending to help the person in the story.

When you are feeling sad, you could say, I’m feeling sad.  I’m going to try that gesture for cheerfulness and see if it helps. When you do the gesture, you are modeling the behavior for your child.

The next time your child is feeling sad,  suggest they try that gesture for cheerfulness. Now that they already know how to do the gesture, have practiced it “in pretend”, and seen you use it, they are much more likely to do it successfully.

When your children have tools for reducing their stress, and are comfortable using them, it reduces your stress too!

I’ve been become the “Stress Expert” at Parenting Press because I’ve written a book called “Mudras; Ancient Gestures to Ease Modern Stress,” and because of my thirty years experience as a massage therapist.
 During the month of June, we’ll talk about the following ways to reduce stress:
 1. Breathing, slowly and deeply.
 2.Simple self-massage of the shoulders, neck,  head and hands.
 3. Gestures that can move us from anxious to calm, tense to relaxed, scattered to focus.
 4. How we can teach some of these same skills to our children.

 Let us start with the breath. Whenever I work on the shoulders of clients, I ask them to take four long, deep breaths from way down in their belly. As they do this, I can feel their  muscles start to relax. Anyone can do this.  And it gets them out of their “fight or flight” responses. So, just try it.  The next time you become aware that your neck or shoulders are tight, try breathing with awareness.

Here is how to do it:

Get in a comfortable position.  Your back should be straight, your feet uncrossed.
Begin breathing. Start with your belly. Place a hand on your belly to feel it filling up.
Keep breathing as your belly fills up, your chest expands, and your lungs fill up.
Pause – When you can’t breathe in anymore, be aware of your breath for just a moment.
Release Breath. Your lungs start emptying out, your chest contracts, and then your belly feels empty.
Pause again. Be aware of your empty belly for just a moment.
Start the cycle over. Begin breathing again.

It’s hard to believe something this simple can relieve stress, but it can and it does. The more you practice, the more it will help.

The students were of every color.  The place was a junior/senior high social studies class in an affluent first ring suburb.  The topic was overindulgence.  Near the end of the interactive class the students, who came in exuding their sort of studied adolescent boredom, were very serious and very attentive. 

“Dr. Clarke,” an expensively dressed, sparkly blond senior asked, “If we think we are being overindulged, what can we do to counter it?”  No child had ever asked me that before.  I thought a moment and said two words.  “Do chores.”  The room got deadly silent, and then a buzz grew as students conversed with the persons next to them and then called questions across the room.  It was as if I was not there.  The buzz subsided and they turned to me.  “Dr. Clarke, we know a girl who does chores.”  Someone named her.  Heads nodded, and there were murmurs of agreement.

“How many of you do chores?” I asked.  No one.  Not one.  Not one single one.  “We are too busy to do chores,” they told me.  They know how to play football and the flute, but they don’t know how to do their own laundry or vacuum or plan and cook a meal.  Of course sports and music are good.  Children learn about teamwork and cooperation along with a packet of specific skills.  But these kid’s lives are out of balance.  How many of them, in the adult world, will be expected to play football or the flute on a weekly basis in their spot in the workplace?

Participants in the Overindulgence Research Studies, adults who had grown up in households where the rules were wishy-washy and no chores were expected, complained about their deep embarrassment and ineffectiveness because they didn’t know how to do some things that other adults automatically knew how to do.

Martha Rossman, UniversityofMinnesota, did longitudinal research on age of starting to do household tasks and success in mid twenties.  The most successful young adults started helping with household tasks at age three.

Learning to do household tasks effectively means practicing the five essential steps in doing any workplace job effectively.

1. Asking, what is the job?
2. Making sure I have the skills needed.
3. Doing the job.
4. Finishing the job.
5. Putting the gear (the equipment, the products, the stuff) involved away.

If our children aren’t learning these important life skills, we can start them now.  Chores are just like sports.  They need clear rules and a consistent coach. “Clean your room” is meaningless unless the parent/coach has taught them how.

So, time spent coaching children to do chores not only helps children become competent, and to be contributing members of the family, but it also helps them grow up.  There is a spiffy chart showing at what ages children do tasks with help, with reminding, and on their own in Elizabeth Crary’s book Pick Up Your Socks.

The How Much Is Enough? book by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft, offers lots of help for families learning to counter overindulgence.

Jeff’s dad and uncle were tearing a storm damaged soffit off the front of the house.  Watching from the back of the pickup truck, Jeff called, “Is there a way a seven-year-old kid can help?”  His dad pointed, “Sure.  Move that pile of boards over near the fence, and stay back from the house.  Watch out for nails.”  Dad returned to his work, and Jeff carefully carried the boards to the fence.

Competence.  That’s one of the qualities most parents want their children to develop.  Children are born with an inner push to be competent, to do things, but if we continuously do things for children that they should be doing for themselves, we teach them to be incompetent or helpless.

We need to take care of our children, but sometimes, from a good heart and because we want to be helpful, we keep them from learning what they need to be learning.  We do things they should be doing for themselves.  It’s easy to do.  Look at these folks.

Marie interrupts her toddler’s explorations to give her hugs.  Dan carries his three-year-old daughter into childcare because he wants one last snuggle.  Theresa, even though she is in the middle of a project, takes her five-year-old to the park because he begs.  Jim drives his ten-year-old to dance practice because she missed her ride.  Claire cleans her adolescent son’s bedroom whenever it looks messy. Arnoldpays his twenty-two year-old’s towing fee because she was running late and left her car in a no parking zone.

But!  The adults involved in the Overindulgence Research Studies, adults who had been overindulged as children, identified four ways in which they had been over-nurtured.

1. When growing up, my parents did things for me that I could or should do for myself.
2. When I was growing up, my parents were over-loving and gave me too much attention.
3. When I was growing up, I was allowed lots of privileges.
4. When I was growing up, my parents made sure that I was entertained.

They said they resented having too many things done for them and that as adults many of them experienced:

1. Confusion about what is enough.
2. Trained helplessness.
3. Confusion of wants and needs.
4. Believing and acting as if one is the center of the universe.

Not what we parents intend.  So let’s step back and let our children become competent.

There are helpful suggestions about how to avoid doing too much in the books How Much Is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft, and Am I Doing Too Much for My Child? by Elizabeth Crary.

Heard this one before?  Check it off if you have.

 ___ My four-year-old has toys in every room of the house, but he is always begging for new ones.

___ The children aren’t using most of the electronic games in our house, but they don’t want us to give them away, and they want new ones.

___ My ten-year-old’s clothes closet is bulging with garments, but she can’t find anything to wear to school in the morning.

___ My fifteen-year-old has a heavy after-school activity schedule every day and on Saturday.  He doesn’t have time to do household tasks.

___My child is easily bored.  When we ask if she would like to go to the Folk Fair or the Science Museum she rolls her eyes and says she has already done both of those.

 How many checks?  Were some of the items not familiar, but they did remind you of something similar?

 As parents we want our children to have the best and to be happy, but sometimes we give too much.  Or we may give in just to avoid the whining or to stop the hassling.

 And what might we give too much of?

The participants in the Overindulgence Research Studies identified five areas in which they received too much.  They reported, When I was growing up,

1. my parents gave me lots of toys.
2. I was allowed to have any clothes I wanted.
3. my parents over-scheduled me for activities, lessons, sports, camps.
4. I was allowed lots of privileges.
5. my parents made sure I was entertained.

 Some also reported having too much food.  Food is good.  Clothes are good.  All of these things are good.  It is too much of them that turns good into not-good.

 So what if we give too much?

Overindulging with too much refers to things that are purchased or produced.  It means giving so many things or resources that they stifle the child’s growth instead of supporting it.  The impact on their adult lives, according to our overindulgence study participants, include:

• ·Not knowing how much is enough
• ·Disrespect of things and other people
• ·Expecting immediate gratification
• ·Believing one is the center of the universe

 These painful drawbacks on adult lives are surely not the outcomes that well-meaning parents intended when they gave their children too much.

 There are many pressures to buy and buy and give and give.  We hear it from the telly, direct advertising and the hidden messages on the internet, the children’s peer groups, and even from the schools.

 Getting started on reducing overindulgence

We can start by taking any one item and thinking carefully about it.  Try toys.

1. Too little – what would too few toys in a home look like, and how would too few affect the child?
2. Enough –would enough toys be that we could afford them and they would help the child grow?
3. Abundance – what would be the extra toys that would make the child’s life richer, and how often would we give extras?
4. Too much – how many toys would slow the child’s learning in any way?  In learning to take care of things?  In learning to creatively find many ways to use the toys?  In learning about how much is enough?

 The fine line

Identifying the fine line between enough or abundance or too much can be a challenge.  An abundance of activities for a child or a parent with one personality type may be too much for a child with a different type set.  Parents have to take the child and the situation into account as they use observation and intuition to assess whether a child is getting enough or too much. 

 If you see that you have been overindulging in some way, welcome to the crowd.  I think all of us (or almost all of us) do it at least sometimes.  We can start practicing stronger parenting by tackling one issue at a time and by forgiving ourselves if we slip.

 Good luck.

 You can find more help dealing with Too Much in the How Much Is Enough? book and information about the Overindulgence Research Studies on www.overindulgence.info.

Remember the song, What Is This Thing Called Love?  Overindulgence can look like love, feel like love, and come from a loving heart.  However, overindulgence is not love.  Call it helicopter parenting, curling parenting or spoiling, if it is beyond abundance it teaches the child to be helpless or irresponsible.  It is giving way more than enough.  It is giving children so much of anything that it slows learning what they need to be learning at their age.  That’s overindulgence.

Adults who had been overindulgence as children were surveyed in the nine studies of the Overindulgence Research Project (www.overindulgence.info).  Their most frequent complaint about being overindulged was not knowing what was enough.  They reported not knowing what was enough food, clothing, recreation, cars, work, alcohol, excitement, sleep, money, sex, amounts to put in recipes, you name it.  Some said, “There were too many things but not enough love.”

How much is enough?

This is a very debilitating situation.  One interviewee, who was mightily overindulged as a child, stated plaintively that she hopes before she goes to her grave that she has one afternoon when she knows what is enough of just one thing.  Anything.  This is not the impact parents plan to have on their children’s lives.  But it is a result of having had too much. 

 You have to be carefully taught

In part, the concept of Enough is learned, and one that parents teach as children grow.  At times, it is easy to let a child have too much in order to avoid dealing with the child’s frustration.  But teach about Enough we must.  So, in the car on the way to the toy store we say, “You may choose one toy today.  I will decide if the price is right and if you may have it.”  When our child begs for another, we say matter-of-factly, “You already have your toy.  That is enough.  If you continue to beg we will put this one back.”  And if that happens, we carry through.  Lucky is the child whose parent is not swayed by tears, begging, pouting, or shouting.

That’s not always easy, so we encourage ourselves to be strong.  We march around the house saying, “I am the parent.  Children do not need parents who are friends, they need parents who are friendly.”  We say, “I am more powerful than the media that tells children they always need more and newer.  I am more powerful than the peer group.  I am more powerful than the neighbor who tells me I am too hard on my children.  When I want to give too much, I stop myself.  I am firmly in charge.  I am teaching my child about Enough.”

Make lists of things your child wants or you want to give, and then you decide what is too little, enough, abundance, or too much.  Always give enough in so far as you can; give abundance sometimes.  But remember that too much is not better than abundance.  It is worse.  Much worse.

The Overindulgence Research Studies tell us there are three general ways that overindulgence occurs.

1. Giving too much of anything money can buy.
2. Doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves
3. Lack of rules and neglect of chores.

I’ll do a future blog on each of these.  Meanwhile, remember that we live in a cultural norm of overindulgence.  One could call it the new normal, so it takes courage to stick to giving children all of what they need and only part of what they want.  Let’s all be courageous.  You can read more in the How Much Is Enough? book.

“Nature is good for people: let’s recognize the right of every child to live and grow up in a wildlife-rich world.”

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child is a human rights treaty setting out the civil, political, economic, social, health and cultural rights of children.  The Convention generally defines a child as any human being under the age of eighteen.  During the 30^th anniversary of its Declaration of the Rights of the Child, the convention adopted the Rights of the Child on September 2, 1990.

While the importance of nature in a young child’s life was not in the original Convention of 1990, Tony Young, head of the Scottish Wildlife trust, is now proposing an amendment that would consider access to nature as being included in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. In his proposal he states;

“Governments can and should articulate a new right: that every child and young person has the right to grow up and live in a high-quality, wildlife-rich environment with ready access to the physical and mental health benefits, developmental advantages, and play opportunities it affords.  There is a growing and compelling body of evidence that regular and ready access to a wildlife-rich environment is essential for children’s health and wellbeing.

As you consider nature in your own child’s life, how important is it for the children of the world to have access as well?  While this question may seem easy to provide an answer for, how would you take a step forward in your neighborhood, community, city, state, nation or world to do?   Advocacy starts small-lets share ideas so we of Parenting Reflections can assure a place in nature for all children.

For more information on the United Nations Convention of the Rights of the Child go to http://www.unicef.org/crc  As of November 2009, 193 countries are party to it, including every member of the United Nations except Somalia, South Sudan and the United States of America.

As children are allowed to explore outdoors, one can expect bumps and bruises to occur.  Who doesn’t reflectively look back at outdoor adventures and not remember a bruised knee or a skinned elbow as the result of climbing a tree or racing a bike with another down a sidewalk?  With encouraging active experiences in the outdoor environment for your children also comes the obligation of keeping a child safe.

It is nearly impossible to allow active learning while keeping children free from harm.  Teaching children safety rules is a necessary part of encouraging them to explore while at the same time remembering personal safety habits.  The following are a collection of rules to adapt in your home as you encourage playful learning outdoors.

• For young children, the presence of an adult is still the most important safety tool they have.  There is no substitute for adult supervision and attention.

• Keep children well hydrated.  Always bring bottled water outdoors and encourage your child to drink from it frequently throughout the day.

• Require that your child wear a helmet while riding a bike, skateboard, skates or scooter.  Because modeling of adult behavior is the best teaching tool, make sure adults wear helmets as well.

• Examine the outdoor area before your child plays to assure safety.  If your child is playing in a public park, playground, or beach take a walk around to make sure there is no broken glass, tripping hazards hidden in the grass, ant hills, wasp nests or slippery surfaces.

• If you have a home swimming pool keep the area locked unless an adult is present.  Hide the key in a spot where children are unable to reach it and be firm on the rule of “no adult-no swimming”.

• Use insect repellant.  Common insect bites are a big concern now that many carry diseases.  Use the repellant as a necessary part of your outdoor routine.

• Use sunscreen.  The sun’s UV rays can be especially damaging to a child’s young skin, and the summer sun is especially harmful.  Apply sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or higher and apply every 2-3 hours to sustain proper potency on the skin.

• Identify poisonous plants.  If you live near wooded areas or go with your children learn to identify plants such as poison ivy and poison oak so they will know what to avoid.

What safety rules do you encourage with your children to assure their safety?  Please share with others so children are safe and protected in the great outdoors.

Beth Gausman C.F.L.E.

Licensed in Early Childhood Education and Parent Education

As the spring weather continues to warm, the opportunity to bring what might be considered as indoor activities for children to the great outdoors.  For those Parenting Reflection friends who live in year round warm climates, you may be familiar with some of these activity suggestions so please bare with those of us who have huddled indoors during the last cold winter months.

The following are suggestions of activities that parents can participate in outdoors with their children.  Make modifications as necessary for your children and their likes and interests.  When you have read the list make a list of your own and submit in the comment section.  Lets keep this list going for the benefit of all.

• Make an old fashion mud pie by getting your hands in dirt and water

• Camp in the backyard-sleeping overnight is an option

• Draw a map of your backyard or other natural area.

• Invent a nature game-find six circles, five straight lines…etc.

• Build a boat from a leaf and a stick and go leaf boating in a puddle

• Walk through your yard in the evening with a flashlight to guide you

• Lay on the ground and listen

• Read outside under a tree

• Collect stones and build something with them

• Collect natural items to make a “wonder” bowl

• View wildlife without keeping them

• Look for animal tracks

• Make shadow rubbings with crayons and paper

What are your favorite things to do outside with your children?

Beth Gausman C.F.L.E.

Licensed in Early Childhood Education and Parent Education

Spring is here and its time to get outdoors and reacquaint ourselves with all that nature has to offer!

While adults may already be familiar with their favorite outdoor activities, the young child sees the outdoor world as a fabulous blank slate of countless places to explore. Interactions with nature begin the moment the child goes outside with a bug found on the front step of their home or school and will end with a cool breeze that brushes their check before going in for the evening.

The need to be outside to experience the ever-changing world is a necessity for the developing child. While the indoor environment contains their behaviors with walls, doors, and windows, the outdoor environment allows total body freedom that simply can not be replicated indoors; running, jumping, loud voices, dirty hands and toes in the grass to name a few.

Research tells us that the child’s ability to interact with the outdoor environment has developmental benefits that extend beyond those physically observed.  Children are found to be more imaginative, creative and cooperative when playing outdoors. Additionally, children experience less stress when playing along side others in nature.

Richard Louv, author of the international bestseller, Last Child in the Woods, has coined the phrase nature-deficit disorder to describe the growing gap between children and nature.  After the first publication of his book, in 2005, he heard from many adults who agreed with this descriptive phrase for children but added adults are suffering from the disorder as well.

Have we become a society hesitant or even afraid to be outdoors?  How much time do you as an adult spend outdoors both for your own well being and along with your children as a way to promote a healthy lifestyle for your family?  Our blog this month will focus on the outdoor environment as a place for life long learning and health.  Lets begin our conversation with your thoughts on children and outdoor play and how it is promoted in your home.

Beth Gausman, C.F.L.E.

Licensed in Early Childhood Education and Parent Education

Our neighborhood has a small volunteer newspaper.  Copies are delivered to one house on each block.  Then someone distributes a copy to each porch of the block.  Recently, we needed to replace our block’s long-term delivery person.  As I prepared an e-mail request to fill the position, I suddenly wondered why I was looking for an adult.

Many of the things children used to do have been taken over by adults—delivering newspapers, helping in a small family business.  I remember, in 4^th grade, going to an orchard to help my mother pick fruit for our family.  When I tried the same with my children, I was told the orchard couldn’t afford the risk of children on ladders.

Recently, I read a description of a coal mining town in England in the late 1800’s in which preteens regularly went to the company office to pick up their Dad’s weekly paycheck.  In the old days, children routinely milked the cows before breakfast and cared for multiple younger siblings.  Sometimes such responsibility was far too much and far too heavy.  But often, making a real contribution built children’s competence and confidence.

Today’s parents enlist children to care for their own rooms and help with family chores.  That’s all highly appropriate and educational.  However, it provides little sense of being valuable in the world at large.  As I understand it, an increasing number of high schools included community service in their curriculum.  But what about the earlier years?

I rewrote my e-mail, and am pleased to say that our upcoming deliveries will be handled by a sibling team, ages 9 and 7.  During the formative years how do you give or might you give, children the opportunity to experience their value in the community?

Helen F. Neville

Author of Temperament Tools, and

Is This a Phase? Child Development and Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years

and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

Parenting Reflections focuses on healthy parenting with a long view in mind. It’s written by seven women who take turns sharing their thoughts. Read more about us on the tabs.