Calming for extroverts? Or introverts?

February 28, 2012

Another aspect of self-calming is whether your child is an extrovert or introvert.  The most useful definition here is that extroverts generally restore emotional equilibrium by being with others.  Introverts generally do so by being by themselves.  Introverts may very much enjoy being around people, but being with people requires more emotional effort for them.  Especially when in emotional distress, introverts may need time alone to calm down.  The introvert/extrovert difference isn’t obvious at age 2 because 2’s rely on adults for emotional stability.  However, maybe when 3, or especially at 4, one style or the other may become more obvious.

Is your child more of an extrovert or introvert?  Are you more of an extrovert or introvert?

Parents tell me they feel badly when their 4-year-old (or older child) hides under a table or goes to their bedroom and slams the door when upset.  Parents are accustomed to being present to help when children are in distress.  These parents fear they have somehow let their child down.  In fact, they may simply be watching an introvert who has discovered that time by oneself calms and restores.

Extroverts are more likely to keep arguing or talking to maintain connection until the problem is resolved.  Unfortunately, brain research now tells us that when we are angry, there is less blood flow to the frontal cortex—the empathy and problem solving parts of the brain.  When we are upset, we have less brain power to solve problems.  Thus with extroverts, it may help to set up a signal ahead of time that you’ll silently sit or snuggle together to maintain connection physically while emotions settle.

There is another temperament piece to this puzzle.  Those who are emotionally intense often need to feel someone understands their distress (especially the size of their distress) before they can calm down.  So the intense extrovert may initially need to blow off some steam and feel understood.  (We can agree that Justine is very upset that we won’t permit another video, without agreeing that another video is a good idea.)  Then leave some space for emotions to settle before moving on to problem solving.

Upset feelings will likely be easier to manage if both parent and child are either introverts or extroverts.  Then both are inclined to separate or stay connected.  It’s more challenging with different styles.  Families will do better if extroverted parents give a silent blessing as their upset introverts go off to calm down.  And families will do better if introverted parents take a deep breath to stay on the scene and connected while young extroverts calm down.  What have you noticed in your household regarding introverts, extroverts, and upset feelings?

Helen F. Neville

Author of Temperament Tools, and Is this a Phase,

and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

 

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Inborn Temperament and Parenting

January 31, 2012

How are babies different right from the start?  That’s my special interest.  Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas observed newborns in a hospital nursery and described nine inborn traits.  Of course, parents are therefore different as well.  In thinking about our work as parents, our own inborn temperament traits can be an interesting place to start.  Consider where you are on each of the following.

Energy/Movement = prefer to sit or be on the move?

low…………………………medium…………………………high

Regularity = get tired and hungry at the same or different times?

regular……………………medium………………………irregular

Sensitive = to sound, light, skin sensations, emotional tone?

low…………………………medium…………………………high

Emotional Intensity = reactions to the ups and downs of life?

mellow…………………medium………………intense/dramatic

Approach = first response to new things: jump in or wait and watch?

curious……….……..……medium……..…….…………cautious

Adaptable = easily adjust to changes in schedules or routines or adjusting is hard so prefer to plan ahead to avoid surprises?

go with the flow……medium……dislike surprises so plan ahead

Frustration Tolerance = usually keep trying or back off?

patient/persistent…….medium……quick to anger or to back off

Soothable = once upset, is it generally easy or hard to calm down?

easy to calm down…………medium….……hard to calm down

Distractible = highly focused or easily distracted?

very focused………………medium……………easily distracted

Not surprisingly, parent’s temperament interacts with that of children.  For example you may both be energetic or both mellow.  Or you may be different.  If you are curious and energetic, it can be hard if your child is cautious and tires quickly.  If your body isn’t sensitive, it takes effort to accept your child’s distress with physical discomfort.

Sometimes it’s a challenge to be similar.  If you’re both emotionally intense, it’s easy for disagreement to spiral into yelling matches.  If you both have trouble with transitions and change, it can be hard for either to bend toward compromise.  Useful tools might be to practice self-calming skills together or respect the time needed to adjust to change.  (“Let’s talk about this again in an hour—or a day.”)

Over the years, I’ve found these traits provide an insightful vocabulary for understanding myself, my partner, children and co-workers.  Accepting and working with individual differences is more effective than blame!  I’ll likely have more to say about temperament in upcoming blogs.

Helen F. Neville

Author of Temperament Tools, and Is this a Phase,

and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

 

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