Using Values as a Guide for Parenting

July 18, 2012

July 18, 2012

As we begin to think about our own values, we may discover that there are a variety of ways of looking at and defining them.    According to Harriet Heath in her book, Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult you Admire, “values are the principles upon which we base our behavior.”  This is reflected by the priorities that we have, what we give attention to, and what is important to us.  We can think of these as traits such as independence, courage, responsibility, etc. or people, things, or life experiences that we value.   Our values are a gift that we pass on to children.

I recently heard an interview of a young man who was being praised for his ability to prioritize.  When asked to name his priorities he said, school, my musical instrument, scouts, and sports, in that order.  This was an example of someone who knew what was important to him.  If we look at the things that he listed, we could assume that being involved in any one of those took quite a bit of discipline, knowledge, organizational skills, and responsible behavior, certainly important values.  I then realized that there was a vital unnamed piece, which was “family”.   Dr. William Doherty, author of the “The Intentional Family”   describes the culture of children as consumers of parental and community services, with little, if any responsibility for contributing back into the family or community.   I wonder what children learn in a society or family where they are consumers of goods and services?   I wonder about the pressure this young man has to “perform”, or if he makes time to attend family events and sit down and have conversations with his parents?  In a culture that promotes “more is better” I wonder about the effect on the quality of relationships.   Many folks today say that “staying connected” is important, and have many devices which they use to keep in touch.  With so many available products to communicate with, how do they teach people the intricacies of building and sustaining meaningful relationships, or is the face of meaningful relationships being changed by technology? While we may value education, sports, music, etc., it is important to balance the values taught through those activities with those we want to teach within the family and make conscious choices to support those values that we want to encourage.  Participating in activities outside the family has many benefits; however, we need to look at the process as well as the product.  Our values guide the decisions that we make as parents, whether we are aware of them or not.  Think about whom or what the driving force is behind your decisions and figure is out if that is how you want it to be.

Spend a few moments visualizing or thinking about how you would like your child to be in 10 or 20 years.  What values does s/he have?  Choose one that you and your parenting partner would like to teach your child.  What behaviors does that person engage in?    What skills does the child need to learn now, in order to practice the value?

Sandy Keiser, LISW-S, CFLE

Catholic Charities SouthWestern Ohio

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Finding Our Values

July 11, 2012

July 11, 2012

 

It often begins in the bathroom.  That is the place where many couples discover that their values, traditions, or ways of doing things are different.  The conversation may go something like this.  “Don’t you know that the toilet paper hangs over the top of the roll?” or “Why do you squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle?”  When the holidays come around it may sound like “Well, my family always celebrates this way…”

 

One of the important tasks of developing and sustaining relationships is to define those values, traditions, and rituals we hold dear and would like to pass on to children.  A first step in the process is identifying what they are.  When I work with engaged couples, I ask them to identify the values they received from each of their parents that they want to continue in their own families.  Then, to identify those they received that they do not want to keep.  They can then begin to establish rituals, traditions, and ways of doing things that flow from those values.  Some folks find it easy to name values, yet they may not be clear as to how this translates into day to day life situations.  In addition, they may believe in one set of values and live by a totally different set.  A large part of the disconnect has to do with the how and where our values come from.  In past decades, many of our values originated in the family, school, and faith communities.  With the influx of more media, advertising, social opportunities, community connections, the internet, etc., people are exposed to more information that can impact their choices from day to day. How do they sift through what it important to listen and pay attention to, and what do they let go of?  How do parents begin to choose the values they bring to their relationship?   What happens when a value held in a family of origin didn’t work particularly well, what do we do to change that moving forward?

 

I invite you to begin to think about some of these questions for yourself and how they affect you.  There is no right or wrong answers.  Exploring them may be exciting, fun, or uncomfortable.  In any case, you will learn some things about yourself, who you are, and the choices that you make.

 

I am reminded of the story told by family therapist, Virginia Satir.   A woman was making a pot roast and cut each end off before putting it in the pan.  Her husband asked why she did that and she replied, “that was how my mother did it.”   They then asked mother why she did it and she replied, “that was how my mother did it.”  Still curious about the cutting the ends of the roast, they asked grandma who said, “that was the only way it would fit in the pan.”

 

Consider this activity….

 

List the values you received in your family of origin.  Why are they important to you, or not?  What did your parents or caregivers do that led you to believe that this was important?  Why do you think that value was important to your parents or caregivers?

 

Think about talking with the people who taught you those values, and ask them what values they believe that they taught in the family and see if the lists match.  As you discuss them, find out why those values were important to them, and what they believe they did to pass them on.

 

Sandy Keiser

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Over-worked and Over-weight?

March 14, 2012

Last week I saw a report from Kaiser Permanente that the number of overweight people in the U.S. is increasing fastest in the 2-5 year-old population.  That got me thinking about how often in recent months I’ve heard reasons why children were doing something other than exercising.  I must admit, I got rather grouchy when I ran over the list in my mind.  I’d love to hear what you do to assure that your little ones get plenty of exercise.  (Eating appropriately is a different part of the topic that I’ll not address here.)

I talked to a distressed mother who had been arguing with her 4year-old about homework—yes, homework!  Her daughter resisted the required printing practice during preschool.  Her mother hoped to decrease the problem at preschool by having her daughter practice at home.  This issue really bothers me because of how often I hear about 4-year olds who don’t want to sit and copy letters.  They would rather bounce around and play.  Which would be better for their health at this age?

Early academics in only one reason why children exercise less.  A preschool teacher recently told me, “I can’t take the children outside on rainy days because parents complain that the children will catch cold even though they have rain gear.”  I thought we proved long ago that colds are caused by viruses not the weather.  In fact, keeping all those children crowded inside on rainy days exposes them more fully to the germs of others.  Confinement also raises stress levels which in turn lowers immune response.

Recently a mother reported, “It really bothers me that my 2 and 4 year old boys just want to run around the house.  Why can’t they play more quietly?”  Then there was a 5-year-old I heard squeal as her friend arrived on a play date: “I have a new video we can watch!”  Such opportunity for mobility and creativity wasted on a sedentary video….

Additional painful reports include, “We live in a small apartment with no yard.”  “It’s not safe to let my children play outside in front of our house.”

What do you do to assure your chidlren get the many hours of daily exercise that Mother Nature intended at this age?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

For more about development and appropriate academics, see

Is This a Phase? Child Development and Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years    http://www.ParentingPress.com

 

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Two Types of Tantrums

March 7, 2012

When dealing with children’s upsets, it’s helpful to think of two different types of tantrums: manipulative and temperament related.

The classic manipulative tantrum is the toddler who screams for a cookie or the preschooler who demands a toy at the store.  We all know that giving in today assures another tantrum next time.  So we hold the line, repeatedly when necessary.

On the other hand, temperament tantrums (which some parents call “meltdowns”) are about a child in a state of overwhelm—too much stimulation, too many changes, too much time pressure and so forth.  I talked with a mother whose 3-year-old screamed and kicked every morning while she dressed him for preschool.

“Were there tantrums on the weekends too?” I asked.  “No,” she replied. “What was different?”  On school days he wore the cute little Levis his grandparents had given him for school.  On weekends he wore soft sweat pants.  To this sensitive little boy’s tender skin, the Levis felt stiff and scratchy and the snap poked his tummy.  His body rebelled.  What’s the solution?  “Give-in!”  Let him wear the clothes he is comfortable in so he has more energy to deal with the rest of his day.  Ask the grandparents to give sweat pants, not Levis.

Parents agree that tantrums are more likely when children are tired or hungry.  You’ve been out unusually late and arrive home just after bedtime.  Stressed by being tired, Melanie starts to cry and pull away as you head toward the bathroom to brush teeth.  It may now be better for everyone to skip tooth brushing this evening.  Sleep will likely come more quickly and smoothly without a fight in the bathroom.  (A few intense, routine-oriented children may then demand to skip tooth brushing the next night, the next, and the next.  So for some such children it’s not helpful to alter the standard plan.  For most youngsters, however, the readjustment is not a problem.)

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’re looking at a manipulative or temperament tantrum.  Today you pick up Jeremy after childcare, but you forgot to bring the usual crackers for a snack in the car.  Now Jeremy is tired, hungry, and insists on a piece of candy when you get home.  Do you give in?  No.  You offer a healthy snack instead.  If there is a full-blown tantrum, you chalk it up as another hard day.

Thus the general concept is to hold the line with manipulative tantrums each and every time.  For temperament tantrums, give some slack, and look for ways to avoid the next one.

Which types of tantrums have you seen recently?

Helen F. Neville, BS, RN

Author of Temperament Tools, and Is This a Phase, and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com

 

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