Empathy is innate. We are programmed to be empathic. Empathy is at the core of connection. We are born to be connected. Being connected is at the core of our survival. Nature has it right!
You may have seen the picture of infant twins, lying on their stomachs, one having an arm across the back of the other, as if enfolding a buddy. The weaker of the two was not doing so well and the stronger reached out to help. Or at least, that’s what the nurses surmised.
Empathy is also learned. A child who experiences empathic understanding and care knows what empathy feels like. Responsive care, connecting words and warm behaviors are internalized by the infant and small child. In this way, he learns to be empathic with himself and others, guided by his own body-knowledge of it.
A baby who is left at the doorstep of an overseas orphanage and who becomes one of 80 in the nursery where babies seldom cry is not in a position to have her innate empathy reinforced or to learn empathy. At age eleven months, her heels are raw and she is unable to stand with help. This baby learns that if she is to live, she her energy goes completely into surviving. Courageous baby. She lived. But she can’t afford to let any love in or be empathic with herself or others. One way or another, she is hard on herself and on the people and pets she lives with. This baby didn’t have the chance to learn empathy. When you have developed empathy, it’s hard to hurt another being.
Practicing empathy means striking the balance between “Oh, you poor, poor thing” and completely not noticing or actively ignoring another’s distress.
Empathy goes beyond “poor thing”. When Kayla’s feelings have been ridiculed, an “I think I understand” or a compassionate “Will you tell me about it?” might be the empathic connection. Just reaching out to scoop a child in for a hug can be the way she knows you are open to hearing her feelings. She needs to know you value her and are open to hear how a painful or embarrassing experience affected her. She probably doesn’t want you to fix the situation; she probably does want you to understand her experience.
One of my parents’ most treasured gifts was teaching and modeling the notion of walking in another person’s shoes. It is one of the ways they taught empathy. We know that families, classrooms and societies are stronger where people are connected and treat one another with respect and dignity.
Never underestimate what children learn by watching. As a first grader I noticed that if I smelled scalloped potatoes and ham as I came into the kitchen after school, I knew someone had died. It was my mother’s first response to those she knew were in grief. She made potatoes and ham and delivered them to the grieving family as soon as they were out of the oven. This way of reaching out in our small community was a familiar ritual. To this kid, it made the whole town feel more loving and connected.
At those times when we adults are distressed, it can be hard to pull up our empathy for others because we are so in need of it ourselves. What to do? First off, acknowledge our distress or feelings if beubg flat out of empathic steam. Then reach out to tell someone else who knows us well and cares about us. Ask for what we need. At the very least, take a few deep breaths while you think about our options for self-care. We don’t ever outgrow our need for empathy
cdawson
Parenting Reflections 