August 1, 2012
Parents often mention, usually with some frustration, how they have certain beliefs about raising their child, and the partner(s) they are parenting with is coming from a very different place. This happens in families, with other family caregivers, and is oftentimes present when there has been a divorce. Conflicts about how to raise children is a primary place where couples have disagreements. Using values to confront the problem can be helpful.
Think about how and why the value you hold is important to you. Where and how did you learn it? Is it still working for you in a positive way? Focus on how your value may be useful to your child now and moving forward into adulthood. Sometimes we have expectations without really choosing them. An example might be when someone says “That’s how I was raised, so that’s how I will raise my child”. The key is whether or not we have examined all that statement entails, and have made a choice, or if we are just following along with what our parents did and expecting that will work.
We tend to believe at some level that the way we were raised is the best and only way to raise children, even if we have some doubts about that. If we think about the process of living in a family, it is the place where we are nurtured, cared for, learn about life, how to get along with others, etc. Since that is the reality that we know, and we were dependent on the grown-ups who raised us in order to survive, we see their actions as being the “right and only” way and defend them. Examining and choosing how we parent involves courage, being aware, and taking an honest look at our own upbringing. It also means knowing that as leaders of our own families, we can create a place where the language, rules, and actions fit with our values. This is what Dr. William Doherty identifies as “parenting with intent”.
Confronting another parent about how they do things, may be a challenge, given the strength of the emotional ties to the behavior and values that they hold. Below are some thoughts about how to talk with someone about their values:
- Realize that they came by their values through their family. Changing their behavior may be seen or experienced as betraying their family of origin.
- Own where you are coming from without criticism. “When we argue about how to raise the children, I am uncomfortable about the message we are giving them. Let’s talk about what we both want for them and see what we can agree on.”
- Suggest having a meeting when both people are open to having a discussion without blaming the other person.
- Set a time limit.
- Pick a value that you both agree on and talk about ways to teach that value, both through daily experiences and examples.
- Listen and hear what each other has to say.
- Look for places where you have some common ground and build on that.
- Validate the other person for their willingness to talk, listen, and consider alternatives. Sometimes that is an important first step.
- Realize that both people need to change.
- Support each other in the changes that you are making.
If you find that your values are in conflict with the person with whom you are parenting, choose one of the ideas above, or one of your own, and work together to create the values that you desire for your children. You deserve to be competent and successful parents!
Sandy Keiser, LISW-S, CFLE
Catholic Charities SouthWestern Ohio
Parenting Reflections 