Parenting Reflections

July 25, 2012

The values you have chosen to guide your children will be a road map for how you make day to day choices about your interactions and parenting decisions.  Once you have named the value, it is important to decide what they mean to you and what they look like behaviorally.

In my parenting classes, oftentimes parents identify the value of respect.  Let’s look at some of the ways people may define respect.

• Speaking in a normal tone of voice (no criticism, name calling, sarcasm, anger)
• Make eye contact ( no eye rolling, walking away) when speaking or listening to an adult
• Being polite by saying “Yes Ma’am” or “No sir”
• Listening
• Being obedient and doing what you are told
• Don’t question authority
• Learning how to disagree appropriately
• Thinking about what to say or do before acting

The list could go on and on and I invite you to think about what pieces you would select or add.   Note that in considering this list, some of the items may be in conflict with other values that you might like to promote.  For example, you may want your child to also learn to express feelings appropriately, so how does this fit with the expectation that s/he talk in a normal tone of voice in order to be respectful?

Go back and look at the list and think about each of the items and how they might work out and be useful for an adult.  Considering the long range effects is often helpful in determining what and how we think about teaching the value.  Remember, that we are not born having the values and the skills to act upon them.  They need to be taught carefully and intentionally.

If being respectful is a value that we want to teach, perhaps it means looking at how we show respect for ourselves, other adults and children.   I believe that when we interact with others, we are always teaching something, whether verbally, non-verbally, physically, emotionally, or through voice tones, etc.    How we present ourselves reflects values that we have about ourselves, other people, and the world.   I think that it makes sense to be intentional about our words and actions, so that we communicate the values we want to share with others.  Let’s look at how we might teach respect to children.

• Be respectful of children when we interact with them;
• Pay attention to their level of development and decide if we are expecting too much or too little of them;
• Encourage children to do what they are capable of doing by themselves, even though it may not be done perfectly;
• Validate their abilities, being clear about what they have done; “I appreciate that you put your toys away before going outside.”  “Thank you for bringing the car home with a full tank of gas.”
• Help them to problem solve in anticipation of a situation as well as afterwards; “What might you say or do when your friends laugh at Jeremy when he makes a mistake?”  Spend time listening to the response.  “How do you think that might work out?”
• Name respect when you see or hear it in real life experiences, or in the media.
• Comment about a specific behavior that your child has done that demonstrates respect.   “I know that you were really angry with your sister for ruining your shirt.  I like how you held her accountable for her action, without putting her down.  That was very respectful.”
• Think of some other ways you might teach respect (for self, property, or others)
• Be gentle with yourself as you experiment with new ways to share the gift of your values.

You can use the suggestions listed as a model for teaching other values.  Think about how you might do this.

Sandy Keiser, LISW-S, CFLE

Catholic Charities SouthWestern Ohio

Teaching Mudras to Children

When parents discover that mudras do indeed reduce their stress, often they want to teach them to their children. This works well if one does it in steps.

1. Just teach the gesture, by itself.
2. Explain the purpose of the gesture to your child, and have them practice it “in pretend.”
3. Model using the gesture yourself.
4. Suggest your child use the gesture at a time when they really need it.

Let’s use the mudra Cheerfulness as an  example.
To do it, you put your hands on either side of your navel, palms up, fingers facing each other. With each hand, make a fist with your thumb inside.
Breathe deeply and slowly for 3 minutes.

To teach it, first, just have them do the gesture.
You could say, “Let’s put the baby in the baby carriage.”
Then, you wrap your fingers around the thumb. You can make a game of it!

Next, you could read a story to your child where someone is sad. You could say, “I bet this gesture, for cheerfulness would make the person in the story not be so sad.  Let’s teach it to her!”
You both practice the gesture together, pretending to help the person in the story.

When you are feeling sad, you could say, I’m feeling sad.  I’m going to try that gesture for cheerfulness and see if it helps. When you do the gesture, you are modeling the behavior for your child.

The next time your child is feeling sad,  suggest they try that gesture for cheerfulness. Now that they already know how to do the gesture, have practiced it “in pretend”, and seen you use it, they are much more likely to do it successfully.

When your children have tools for reducing their stress, and are comfortable using them, it reduces your stress too!