How often do you get up in the morning and say, “In order to make my child’s life miserable when he is an adult, I will really overindulge him today!”? Never. That would be mean, and parents who overindulge are not mean.
Overindulgence comes form a good heart. It comes from good intent, from a wish to make something better, to keep the child happy, to get through the day. It comes from not remembering that even though a good thing is a good thing, too much of a good thing is not a good thing. But the impact does not match the intent. So how do we tell if a situation involves overindulgence?
Parents have to take the child and the situation into account as they use observation and intuition to assess whether a child is getting enough or too much. Using the Test of Four questions can help identify overindulgence.
Test of Four
- Does the situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support his or her development and learning at this age? (Is my child learning how to respect other people and property? Is he/she sometimes the center of our universe but also willingly allowing others to be the center of attention? Is my child learning to identify when he/she has enough of something?)
- Does the situation give a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children? (Resources can include money, space, time, energy, attention, and psychic input.)
- Does this situation exist to benefit the adult more than the child?
- Is the situation potentially harmful to others, society, or the planet in some way?
Learning about child development is a big help in deciding what privileges to provide at each age. Parents, when they stop to think about it, usually know what to do instead of overindulging. Look at the three examples of overindulgence and think what the child needs the parent to do instead.
Situation 1: Four-year-old Ryan loses his shoes in the park. Auntie asks him to find them but he refuses to look. “I have lots more shoes at home; I don’t need those.” She carries him to the car.
Situation 2: Samantha, seven, is told to pick up her clothes that are on the floor. “I don’t need to,” she replies, “because I don’t like those clothes.” The clothes stay on the floor and the mother leaves the room.
Situation 3: Brianna, fifteen, is asked to wear something more suitable to a formal wedding. “I have to wear this,” she insists, “because it’s what’s ‘in.’” Parent says, “Okay, but just this time.”
You can learn more ways to give children what they really need from How Much Is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft. For specific help on not doing too much for children, see Elizabeth Crary’s Am I Doing Too Much for My Child?
Parenting Reflections 