Jeff’s dad and uncle were tearing a storm damaged soffit off the front of the house. Watching from the back of the pickup truck, Jeff called, “Is there a way a seven-year-old kid can help?” His dad pointed, “Sure. Move that pile of boards over near the fence, and stay back from the house. Watch out for nails.” Dad returned to his work, and Jeff carefully carried the boards to the fence.
Competence. That’s one of the qualities most parents want their children to develop. Children are born with an inner push to be competent, to do things, but if we continuously do things for children that they should be doing for themselves, we teach them to be incompetent or helpless.
We need to take care of our children, but sometimes, from a good heart and because we want to be helpful, we keep them from learning what they need to be learning. We do things they should be doing for themselves. It’s easy to do. Look at these folks.
Marie interrupts her toddler’s explorations to give her hugs. Dan carries his three-year-old daughter into childcare because he wants one last snuggle. Theresa, even though she is in the middle of a project, takes her five-year-old to the park because he begs. Jim drives his ten-year-old to dance practice because she missed her ride. Claire cleans her adolescent son’s bedroom whenever it looks messy. Arnoldpays his twenty-two year-old’s towing fee because she was running late and left her car in a no parking zone.
But! The adults involved in the Overindulgence Research Studies, adults who had been overindulged as children, identified four ways in which they had been over-nurtured.
- When growing up, my parents did things for me that I could or should do for myself.
- When I was growing up, my parents were over-loving and gave me too much attention.
- When I was growing up, I was allowed lots of privileges.
- When I was growing up, my parents made sure that I was entertained.
They said they resented having too many things done for them and that as adults many of them experienced:
- Confusion about what is enough.
- Trained helplessness.
- Confusion of wants and needs.
- Believing and acting as if one is the center of the universe.
Not what we parents intend. So let’s step back and let our children become competent.
There are helpful suggestions about how to avoid doing too much in the books How Much Is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft, and Am I Doing Too Much for My Child? by Elizabeth Crary.
Parenting Reflections 