Parenting Reflections

Heard this one before?  Check it off if you have.

 ___ My four-year-old has toys in every room of the house, but he is always begging for new ones.

___ The children aren’t using most of the electronic games in our house, but they don’t want us to give them away, and they want new ones.

___ My ten-year-old’s clothes closet is bulging with garments, but she can’t find anything to wear to school in the morning.

___ My fifteen-year-old has a heavy after-school activity schedule every day and on Saturday.  He doesn’t have time to do household tasks.

___My child is easily bored.  When we ask if she would like to go to the Folk Fair or the Science Museum she rolls her eyes and says she has already done both of those.

 How many checks?  Were some of the items not familiar, but they did remind you of something similar?

 As parents we want our children to have the best and to be happy, but sometimes we give too much.  Or we may give in just to avoid the whining or to stop the hassling.

 And what might we give too much of?

The participants in the Overindulgence Research Studies identified five areas in which they received too much.  They reported, When I was growing up,

1. my parents gave me lots of toys.
2. I was allowed to have any clothes I wanted.
3. my parents over-scheduled me for activities, lessons, sports, camps.
4. I was allowed lots of privileges.
5. my parents made sure I was entertained.

 Some also reported having too much food.  Food is good.  Clothes are good.  All of these things are good.  It is too much of them that turns good into not-good.

 So what if we give too much?

Overindulging with too much refers to things that are purchased or produced.  It means giving so many things or resources that they stifle the child’s growth instead of supporting it.  The impact on their adult lives, according to our overindulgence study participants, include:

• ·Not knowing how much is enough
• ·Disrespect of things and other people
• ·Expecting immediate gratification
• ·Believing one is the center of the universe

 These painful drawbacks on adult lives are surely not the outcomes that well-meaning parents intended when they gave their children too much.

 There are many pressures to buy and buy and give and give.  We hear it from the telly, direct advertising and the hidden messages on the internet, the children’s peer groups, and even from the schools.

 Getting started on reducing overindulgence

We can start by taking any one item and thinking carefully about it.  Try toys.

1. Too little – what would too few toys in a home look like, and how would too few affect the child?
2. Enough –would enough toys be that we could afford them and they would help the child grow?
3. Abundance – what would be the extra toys that would make the child’s life richer, and how often would we give extras?
4. Too much – how many toys would slow the child’s learning in any way?  In learning to take care of things?  In learning to creatively find many ways to use the toys?  In learning about how much is enough?

 The fine line

Identifying the fine line between enough or abundance or too much can be a challenge.  An abundance of activities for a child or a parent with one personality type may be too much for a child with a different type set.  Parents have to take the child and the situation into account as they use observation and intuition to assess whether a child is getting enough or too much. 

 If you see that you have been overindulging in some way, welcome to the crowd.  I think all of us (or almost all of us) do it at least sometimes.  We can start practicing stronger parenting by tackling one issue at a time and by forgiving ourselves if we slip.

 Good luck.

 You can find more help dealing with Too Much in the How Much Is Enough? book and information about the Overindulgence Research Studies on www.overindulgence.info.

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