Parenting Reflections

The students were of every color.  The place was a junior/senior high social studies class in an affluent first ring suburb.  The topic was overindulgence.  Near the end of the interactive class the students, who came in exuding their sort of studied adolescent boredom, were very serious and very attentive. 

“Dr. Clarke,” an expensively dressed, sparkly blond senior asked, “If we think we are being overindulged, what can we do to counter it?”  No child had ever asked me that before.  I thought a moment and said two words.  “Do chores.”  The room got deadly silent, and then a buzz grew as students conversed with the persons next to them and then called questions across the room.  It was as if I was not there.  The buzz subsided and they turned to me.  “Dr. Clarke, we know a girl who does chores.”  Someone named her.  Heads nodded, and there were murmurs of agreement.

“How many of you do chores?” I asked.  No one.  Not one.  Not one single one.  “We are too busy to do chores,” they told me.  They know how to play football and the flute, but they don’t know how to do their own laundry or vacuum or plan and cook a meal.  Of course sports and music are good.  Children learn about teamwork and cooperation along with a packet of specific skills.  But these kid’s lives are out of balance.  How many of them, in the adult world, will be expected to play football or the flute on a weekly basis in their spot in the workplace?

Participants in the Overindulgence Research Studies, adults who had grown up in households where the rules were wishy-washy and no chores were expected, complained about their deep embarrassment and ineffectiveness because they didn’t know how to do some things that other adults automatically knew how to do.

Martha Rossman, UniversityofMinnesota, did longitudinal research on age of starting to do household tasks and success in mid twenties.  The most successful young adults started helping with household tasks at age three.

Learning to do household tasks effectively means practicing the five essential steps in doing any workplace job effectively.

1. Asking, what is the job?
2. Making sure I have the skills needed.
3. Doing the job.
4. Finishing the job.
5. Putting the gear (the equipment, the products, the stuff) involved away.

If our children aren’t learning these important life skills, we can start them now.  Chores are just like sports.  They need clear rules and a consistent coach. “Clean your room” is meaningless unless the parent/coach has taught them how.

So, time spent coaching children to do chores not only helps children become competent, and to be contributing members of the family, but it also helps them grow up.  There is a spiffy chart showing at what ages children do tasks with help, with reminding, and on their own in Elizabeth Crary’s book Pick Up Your Socks.

The How Much Is Enough? book by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft, offers lots of help for families learning to counter overindulgence.

Jeff’s dad and uncle were tearing a storm damaged soffit off the front of the house.  Watching from the back of the pickup truck, Jeff called, “Is there a way a seven-year-old kid can help?”  His dad pointed, “Sure.  Move that pile of boards over near the fence, and stay back from the house.  Watch out for nails.”  Dad returned to his work, and Jeff carefully carried the boards to the fence.

Competence.  That’s one of the qualities most parents want their children to develop.  Children are born with an inner push to be competent, to do things, but if we continuously do things for children that they should be doing for themselves, we teach them to be incompetent or helpless.

We need to take care of our children, but sometimes, from a good heart and because we want to be helpful, we keep them from learning what they need to be learning.  We do things they should be doing for themselves.  It’s easy to do.  Look at these folks.

Marie interrupts her toddler’s explorations to give her hugs.  Dan carries his three-year-old daughter into childcare because he wants one last snuggle.  Theresa, even though she is in the middle of a project, takes her five-year-old to the park because he begs.  Jim drives his ten-year-old to dance practice because she missed her ride.  Claire cleans her adolescent son’s bedroom whenever it looks messy. Arnoldpays his twenty-two year-old’s towing fee because she was running late and left her car in a no parking zone.

But!  The adults involved in the Overindulgence Research Studies, adults who had been overindulged as children, identified four ways in which they had been over-nurtured.

1. When growing up, my parents did things for me that I could or should do for myself.
2. When I was growing up, my parents were over-loving and gave me too much attention.
3. When I was growing up, I was allowed lots of privileges.
4. When I was growing up, my parents made sure that I was entertained.

They said they resented having too many things done for them and that as adults many of them experienced:

1. Confusion about what is enough.
2. Trained helplessness.
3. Confusion of wants and needs.
4. Believing and acting as if one is the center of the universe.

Not what we parents intend.  So let’s step back and let our children become competent.

There are helpful suggestions about how to avoid doing too much in the books How Much Is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson, and Bredehoft, and Am I Doing Too Much for My Child? by Elizabeth Crary.

Heard this one before?  Check it off if you have.

 ___ My four-year-old has toys in every room of the house, but he is always begging for new ones.

___ The children aren’t using most of the electronic games in our house, but they don’t want us to give them away, and they want new ones.

___ My ten-year-old’s clothes closet is bulging with garments, but she can’t find anything to wear to school in the morning.

___ My fifteen-year-old has a heavy after-school activity schedule every day and on Saturday.  He doesn’t have time to do household tasks.

___My child is easily bored.  When we ask if she would like to go to the Folk Fair or the Science Museum she rolls her eyes and says she has already done both of those.

 How many checks?  Were some of the items not familiar, but they did remind you of something similar?

 As parents we want our children to have the best and to be happy, but sometimes we give too much.  Or we may give in just to avoid the whining or to stop the hassling.

 And what might we give too much of?

The participants in the Overindulgence Research Studies identified five areas in which they received too much.  They reported, When I was growing up,

1. my parents gave me lots of toys.
2. I was allowed to have any clothes I wanted.
3. my parents over-scheduled me for activities, lessons, sports, camps.
4. I was allowed lots of privileges.
5. my parents made sure I was entertained.

 Some also reported having too much food.  Food is good.  Clothes are good.  All of these things are good.  It is too much of them that turns good into not-good.

 So what if we give too much?

Overindulging with too much refers to things that are purchased or produced.  It means giving so many things or resources that they stifle the child’s growth instead of supporting it.  The impact on their adult lives, according to our overindulgence study participants, include:

• ·Not knowing how much is enough
• ·Disrespect of things and other people
• ·Expecting immediate gratification
• ·Believing one is the center of the universe

 These painful drawbacks on adult lives are surely not the outcomes that well-meaning parents intended when they gave their children too much.

 There are many pressures to buy and buy and give and give.  We hear it from the telly, direct advertising and the hidden messages on the internet, the children’s peer groups, and even from the schools.

 Getting started on reducing overindulgence

We can start by taking any one item and thinking carefully about it.  Try toys.

1. Too little – what would too few toys in a home look like, and how would too few affect the child?
2. Enough –would enough toys be that we could afford them and they would help the child grow?
3. Abundance – what would be the extra toys that would make the child’s life richer, and how often would we give extras?
4. Too much – how many toys would slow the child’s learning in any way?  In learning to take care of things?  In learning to creatively find many ways to use the toys?  In learning about how much is enough?

 The fine line

Identifying the fine line between enough or abundance or too much can be a challenge.  An abundance of activities for a child or a parent with one personality type may be too much for a child with a different type set.  Parents have to take the child and the situation into account as they use observation and intuition to assess whether a child is getting enough or too much. 

 If you see that you have been overindulging in some way, welcome to the crowd.  I think all of us (or almost all of us) do it at least sometimes.  We can start practicing stronger parenting by tackling one issue at a time and by forgiving ourselves if we slip.

 Good luck.

 You can find more help dealing with Too Much in the How Much Is Enough? book and information about the Overindulgence Research Studies on www.overindulgence.info.

Remember the song, What Is This Thing Called Love?  Overindulgence can look like love, feel like love, and come from a loving heart.  However, overindulgence is not love.  Call it helicopter parenting, curling parenting or spoiling, if it is beyond abundance it teaches the child to be helpless or irresponsible.  It is giving way more than enough.  It is giving children so much of anything that it slows learning what they need to be learning at their age.  That’s overindulgence.

Adults who had been overindulgence as children were surveyed in the nine studies of the Overindulgence Research Project (www.overindulgence.info).  Their most frequent complaint about being overindulged was not knowing what was enough.  They reported not knowing what was enough food, clothing, recreation, cars, work, alcohol, excitement, sleep, money, sex, amounts to put in recipes, you name it.  Some said, “There were too many things but not enough love.”

How much is enough?

This is a very debilitating situation.  One interviewee, who was mightily overindulged as a child, stated plaintively that she hopes before she goes to her grave that she has one afternoon when she knows what is enough of just one thing.  Anything.  This is not the impact parents plan to have on their children’s lives.  But it is a result of having had too much. 

 You have to be carefully taught

In part, the concept of Enough is learned, and one that parents teach as children grow.  At times, it is easy to let a child have too much in order to avoid dealing with the child’s frustration.  But teach about Enough we must.  So, in the car on the way to the toy store we say, “You may choose one toy today.  I will decide if the price is right and if you may have it.”  When our child begs for another, we say matter-of-factly, “You already have your toy.  That is enough.  If you continue to beg we will put this one back.”  And if that happens, we carry through.  Lucky is the child whose parent is not swayed by tears, begging, pouting, or shouting.

That’s not always easy, so we encourage ourselves to be strong.  We march around the house saying, “I am the parent.  Children do not need parents who are friends, they need parents who are friendly.”  We say, “I am more powerful than the media that tells children they always need more and newer.  I am more powerful than the peer group.  I am more powerful than the neighbor who tells me I am too hard on my children.  When I want to give too much, I stop myself.  I am firmly in charge.  I am teaching my child about Enough.”

Make lists of things your child wants or you want to give, and then you decide what is too little, enough, abundance, or too much.  Always give enough in so far as you can; give abundance sometimes.  But remember that too much is not better than abundance.  It is worse.  Much worse.

The Overindulgence Research Studies tell us there are three general ways that overindulgence occurs.

1. Giving too much of anything money can buy.
2. Doing things for children that they should be doing for themselves
3. Lack of rules and neglect of chores.

I’ll do a future blog on each of these.  Meanwhile, remember that we live in a cultural norm of overindulgence.  One could call it the new normal, so it takes courage to stick to giving children all of what they need and only part of what they want.  Let’s all be courageous.  You can read more in the How Much Is Enough? book.