Yes. But not “yes” as in you show them today and they do it tomorrow. It is more of a process than a simple lesson.
Raveena had two young daughters — Nita, 28 months, who was physically quiet and Ayna, 4½, who enjoyed gymnastics. Mom wanted to teach them to take deep breaths to calm themselves. She sat the girls on the sofa and told them that whenever they were frustrated they could take deep breaths. She demonstrated what she meant. Ayna caught on quickly and Nita was clueless.
Raveena reported to me that toddlers cannot learn to calm themselves. When she described what she has done, I could see the problem. Raveena “told” her girls rather than “taught” them. Since Ayna knew how to take deep breaths from gymnastics it was easy for her to understand. Nita had not heard about deep breaths and the whole discussion went over her head.
I explained to Raveena that people learn if they have context or hooks to hang the new information on. Since Nita did not have a context, she didn’t get it. Ravenna asked how to help Nita so I explained a five-step process and cautioned her that the process takes time — as in weeks and months, rather than hours or days.
How to introduce a self-calming strategy.
1. Introduce the activity. Present the activity as fun. Practice until the child is comfortable with the action. The child must be able to do an activity easily before he can use it to calm himself.
2. Link the activity to a change in feelings. Model using the tool when you are irritated. When you’re done say, “I was feeling grumpy, then I took deep breaths [the activity] and now I feel calmer!” After modeling a couple of times, initiate the activity when the child is irritated or restless. When done, casually comment about how your child’s feelings have changed. “You were restless and now you are calmer.”
3. Practice using the tool when the child is calm. A child usually needs to practice a tool many times before he can use it for real. You can practice directly or indirectly. You could —
- “help” a storybook character by modeling what to do.
- practice a calming tool with puppet, stuffed animal, or Thomas the Train.
- ask the child to suggest the tool to you when you’re upset.
- re-enact a difficult situation and invite him to practice using the tool
Once your child can use the tool in pretend, you can suggest it in a real situation.
4. Prompt the child to use the tool. Create a “special signal” with your child to remind him to use the tool. Give the signal before he has totally “lost it.” Observe the results. If successful, praise him for success. If not, praise for effort. Continue until he has been successful several times.
5. Back out. When your child can use the tool when prompted, it is time to back out. Otherwise your child will be dependent on you rather than himself.
About two months later Raveena called to share a success.
We have been working on taking breaths instead of hitting. Yesterday Nita was angry that Ayna would not let her have a toy. Nita raised her hand to hit then dropped it and blew three breaths toward Anya as though to blow her sister away. Not quite what I had in mind, and better than hitting.
Raveenna demonstrated again, that young children can learn self-calming tools.
What experience have you had teaching? Please share your experience as a comment and receive a free copy of 24 Simple Self-Calming Tools and a chance to win a copy of The Way I Feel. For more information, see the Opportunities Tab.
Elizabeth Crary
Author of STAR Parenting Tales and Tools
and Dealing with Disappointment
Parenting Reflections 