I can clearly remember the day I learned who was responsible for children’s happiness. My husband and I got a babysitter for our nine-month-old daughter and took our 6-year-old son Kevin to a special museum display he wanted very much to see.
The outing took five hours. And, except for one incident, we all had a grand time. As we drove up to our house, I asked my son how he liked the trip. I fully expected him to say he was delighted since he had both parents’ attention for more than five hours – doing something he wanted to do. However, he focused on the only five minutes in the trip that did not go exactly as he wished.
It was then I realized that my son was responsible for his happiness. Although I could provide wonderful experiences, ultimately I could not make him happy – only he could do that. (Excerpt from Dealing with Disappointment)
Where did we get the idea that our job is to make kids happy? In my grandfather’s day the parent’s job was to provide security (food, clothing and shelter) and teach kids right from wrong. I’m sure parents back then wanted their children to be happy but it was not the intense all-consuming focus it is for some now.
Since it is not possible to “make” your children happy (as seen above), what can you do to make it possible for your children to choose happiness? You can begin by sorting out what is your responsibility and what is the child’s. These are my thoughts.
Parents’ role in children happiness —
- Model ways to deal with feelings appropriately,
- Teach your children the information and skills they need to choose happiness,
- Back out and let your children be responsible for their own feelings.
- Manage your distress so your kids can work on theirs.
Children’s role in happiness. The child’s role is to —
- Notice their own feelings,
- Learn the skills they need to manage their feelings and the situations they face
- Experiment to find what works for them,
- Be active in choosing happiness.
Helping children learn to deal with disappointment makes it easier for them to choose happiness. What are strategies you use to separate your feelings from those of your children? . . . your job from your child’s job?
Parenting Reflections 