How are babies different right from the start? That’s my special interest. Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas observed newborns in a hospital nursery and described nine inborn traits. Of course, parents are therefore different as well. In thinking about our work as parents, our own inborn temperament traits can be an interesting place to start. Consider where you are on each of the following.
Energy/Movement = prefer to sit or be on the move?
low…………………………medium…………………………high
Regularity = get tired and hungry at the same or different times?
regular……………………medium………………………irregular
Sensitive = to sound, light, skin sensations, emotional tone?
low…………………………medium…………………………high
Emotional Intensity = reactions to the ups and downs of life?
mellow…………………medium………………intense/dramatic
Approach = first response to new things: jump in or wait and watch?
curious……….……..……medium……..…….…………cautious
Adaptable = easily adjust to changes in schedules or routines or adjusting is hard so prefer to plan ahead to avoid surprises?
go with the flow……medium……dislike surprises so plan ahead
Frustration Tolerance = usually keep trying or back off?
patient/persistent…….medium……quick to anger or to back off
Soothable = once upset, is it generally easy or hard to calm down?
easy to calm down…………medium….……hard to calm down
Distractible = highly focused or easily distracted?
very focused………………medium……………easily distracted
Not surprisingly, parent’s temperament interacts with that of children. For example you may both be energetic or both mellow. Or you may be different. If you are curious and energetic, it can be hard if your child is cautious and tires quickly. If your body isn’t sensitive, it takes effort to accept your child’s distress with physical discomfort.
Sometimes it’s a challenge to be similar. If you’re both emotionally intense, it’s easy for disagreement to spiral into yelling matches. If you both have trouble with transitions and change, it can be hard for either to bend toward compromise. Useful tools might be to practice self-calming skills together or respect the time needed to adjust to change. (“Let’s talk about this again in an hour—or a day.”)
Over the years, I’ve found these traits provide an insightful vocabulary for understanding myself, my partner, children and co-workers. Accepting and working with individual differences is more effective than blame! I’ll likely have more to say about temperament in upcoming blogs.
Helen F. Neville
Author of Temperament Tools, and Is this a Phase,
and more:..www.TemperamentTools.com
Parenting Reflections 